Motherhood: This is hard...

The last few weeks have been hard. I mean lost sleep, way too much yelling, and tears after bedtime hard. I lost my cool so many times I can't count and all of me would like to hide under my sheets until I can pull myself together. Sometimes this parenting thing really throws you some curveballs and you can't dodge or catch them fast enough. 

 

Last week Mike and I sat down and spoke with Kai's teacher and the PreK director in regards to preparing him for Kindergarten. There were concerns about his ability to self regulate and if he may be too young to really adjust to the structure of the actual classroom setting. Truthfully the feedback was helpful, though my momma heart was so torn and broken as I felt I missed the mark. I kept thinking how did I not see this? Have I been too lenient and passive? What do I do now? And I beat myself up. Blaming what I felt was a stamp or label (which it was not) on our son....and my job as his mom. I cried. I ugly cried. Did I say I cried?

Everything inside of me wanted to quit motherhood for the next several days. But I knew I needed to really get my head straight and see what was what. When you hear "negative" or unpleasant things especially about your children it can overshadow any truth. All of the sudden you think it's ALL bad and it's ALL over, when it's probably not. So I took a mental break and this past weekend I did some rearranging. I received several helpful tips to better prepare myself and Kai for next year along with developing a structure and expectations that are conducive without overwhelming him at home (I'd love to share my 3 favorites):

 

1. Get Creative in Learning your kid's learning style: Though every child learns differently, knowing how your child learns makes you a stronger advocate. You can share and provide tips when working with your child's teacher. It's great to know and verbalize your kid's needs, because they are one of many in a class (not bad, just reality). Trying flash cards, art projects, interactive apps, videos, and games help you gauge what your child leans towards in comprehending content. I'm noticing that Kai does very well with all of those and I'm still learning more!
2. Have a learning time in your schedule: It's okay to carve a specific time in your day and/or week that's dedicated to learning and academic growth. I have shied away from this in efforts to not "overwhelm Kai," but he has eaten up our 10-15 minutes a day of skill work. We started off with 5-7 minutes as his attention span was a concern and are close to 10-15 now! I time it as I know he will be required to maintain focus for that long with a few breaks in between.
3. Find Resources!: From Pinterest to Target and even ALDI I've found awesome skill workbooks and ideas that have been so helpful. It has also taken the pressure off of having to come up with it all. I will be sharing my favorites soon! 

In my fear and lack of knowledge in how to engage Kai academically I almost missed a new side of connecting with him. I'm really grateful that asking other moms, educators, and being able to see the recommendations for him from the school have turned into a positive situation for all of us. Wish us well as I navigate this with him. He is so bright and amazing I want him to always know that.

Devotional: Seasoned with Salt

Scripture: Matthew 5: 13-16 MSG
"Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You've lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage."

Though I'm not a professional chef, I am a proud connoisseur of food. In other words I love to eat, so therefore I've learned to embrace cooking. Early on in our first year of marriage, Mike came to realize that I wasn't one to whip up meals in the kitchen and there were lots of trial and error dinners (and late night runs to pick up some fast food). My biggest problem I quickly learned was I rarely tasted my food before serving it. I know, I know that's a huge mistake. For some reason I figured I could just eyeball the seasonings and it would turn out fine...I was wrong. Your palate and tastebuds are a tremendous part of cooking (just in case you didn't know). There is nothing like tasting a lack luster meal or an overly salty and saturated one. Either one can ruin it for you.

So it's no wonder why this infamous scripture spoke to me in the midst of all the words, Facebook posts, and endless debates going on lately. Because we all, yes ALL of us, want to be heard. Especially in the name of not being classified or misnomered in this age of labels and identifiers. We all in some way do not want anyone to speak on our behalf, and there isn't anything wrong with that. Words, thoughts, and ideas so easily get lost in translation in the midst of fingers violently typing and conveying a message that is meant for our mouths and our actions. The internet's fiberoptic cables have jaded our eyes to reality. Our emotional and mental tastebuds haven't felt the authenticity of what life and true conversations have to offer in quite some time...and that's the significance of being referenced as salt. You know the taste of a well flavored meal.

Salt is a common ingredient we all have used, more importantly it has so many uses. Nothing can replace salt, that's the truth. Historically and presently being used to preserve meat, an antiseptic in medicine, and bring flavor; salt is a vital spice to life! However, as Christ followers we can see a verse like this and immediately sprinkle our salt and ideas to the point of distaste. You don't think that's possible? Ever been around a fellow Christian or someone who wears that label, and after talking you feel discouraged and turned off? I know that I have and I know there have been moments where I've been that person. Pouring my precious salt in the "name of Christ" only to turn someone away. I hadn't portioned what could bring out God-flavoring in the situation, but rather my own selfish desire to be heard or seen as "Christian" enough overshadowed an opportunity.

Read the verse once again and take a moment to taste the bitterness of an excessive amount of salt. That's what we are called NOT to be. In other scriptures we are urged to let our speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt (Colossians 4:6), with the key word being seasoned. That implies tact, control, and portion. I'm so challenged as I'm prone to allow my words to flippantly chastise, control a situation, and trample on the voices and emotions of others...causing a much saltier  and damaging situation. 

But take hope! As we cook up delicious meals in our conversations and situations with friends, family, our kids, and especially online may we season each with salt. Being careful to know the power of Christ entrusted with grace in our lives that we should urgently share with others. Taking time to prayerfully seek God's hand rather than our own when we pick up scripture, wisdom, and words to bring out the God-flavoring in our world. Leaving a situation seasoned rather than salty is the best we can offer today. So friend before we post may we imagine our words as rather a pinch of salt or a dose of disastrous distaste in the making. Valuing the opportunity we have to not fight to be heard, but fight to allow God to bring about His glory in us AND those involved. May we be the sprinkle chefs in our communities, knowing what we hold is so precious and so vital!

I love what I recently read on a post from Jen Hatmaker and I couldn't have said it any better. May you be encouraged and challenged as well friend!

"Sisters, don't spend your energy spitting into the wind to win over people who will not be won. Don't say passive aggressive things to take jabs at critics who may or may not even be listening. Stop having arguments in your head, however much you may be wining them. Drop it. Drop it all. 

Speak to the highest level of your best people. Send it out like you want it returned: love, grace, courage, encouragement, kindness, humility. Do not give in to the lowest common denominator. Speak words of life, because that is the very thing that will save us."

Marriage: Learning this side of Us

 

The best marriage advice I received was early on: "relationships are like a dance, to grow you have to learn and adjust your steps." Every season is like a new song, sometimes you can move with ease or your partner can. Other moments you both seem to have left feet and desperately need some aid on the dance floor. Regardless of the song, when you've found someone you want to keep dancing with you figure it out along the way. 

For the last two years we've been in a season of a lot of new steps and many forgotten ones that I've had to relearn. As much as I love watching other couples, my biggest "couple goals" have always been my own...but it hasn't been easy. After coming alongside my husband in ministry, many areas that we had suppressed, ignored, and put a do not disturb sign on came full force in our faces. Going from seeing each other for maybe three hours total (working two different jobs and schedules) to now being side by side almost the full 24...it's been a serious adjustment! 

 

These last two years of our marriage have been unique as our love and commitment have required far more actions than words. When the arguments have gotten ugly and the space between us has felt like a thousand miles emotionally - my heart's intentions had to step up their game. Nothing is solved in a day, but as we learn, grow, and mend some broken areas I've noticed 3 changes we've made in this new dance:

1. Acknowledging where things are at: Because it's better to feel the sting of truth rather than the heartbreak of a lie. Though we can laugh now, we couldn't a few months ago when we both realized "this should be a safe place, but it's not." Processing that we both were on edge in the majority of our conversations always caused a sense of walking on eggshells. Truth was somewhere a hurt or offense began to crack our safe haven between us. Before we knew it everything was heard, seen, and felt through a distorted lense. Acknowledging and speaking truth to one another has rebuilt simple trust in our communication and safety...it's a daily practice I know we must stay committed to.

2. Make the time: It's the kids. It's your job. I'm tired...we all know the excuses, so we don't have to make the time. Saying yes to everything and everyone else made it so easy for me to say no to Mike and vice versa. Time is precious and the best way it's spent is cultivating your most important relationships. Understanding that all really good things take time...your time. Push yourself to make the effort if you want it to work. So making time to spend without kids, making time to find areas of interest, making time to have sex (indeed - that as well), all of those things are so vital for both of us. As we've made it a priority my radar can sense now when we haven't... which is a good thing. 

3. Identify and Practice ONE area of common ground: If Mike were writing this it would be sex haha. And truth is if that's your starting point in your marriage to help things get back in place, then by all means go for it! But in all seriousness for us it's prayer. Our own spiritual walks are what brought us together and it's our strongest common ground - our love for Jesus Christ. So we start there, and it doesn't always look like long devotionals or time spent on our knees praying. It's looked like conversations about podcasts, articles, a book we read together, or even what God may be sharing with us personally. Intentionally talking about something we both enjoy starts to open doors for us to talk about other things. Like the days when you could talk on the phone for hours...remember those? Yeah, I don't remember what we talked about at all, but I can recall the feeling of not wanting it to end. Practicing and finding something you both can do reminds you that you both actually like each other before this season. For us it's unveiled areas we didn't realize were a common ground! But practice is so key.

Though not everyone believes in soulmates, I do believe that when you choose to dance and take a journey alongside someone else you mean it. You choose that person, because it makes sense in more areas of your life than you can count. In our truthful moments we've both wanted to quit and walk off the dance floor...it's not been easy, but intentionally changing has become easier as we practice it. 

I pray whether it's your best season or worst while you step on each other's toes that you're encouraged and try at least one of these three for yourself. All good things are worth trying and I'm a firm believer that this is worth trying. 

In this Season: Strength in Wisdom

Ever have a "go to" person for advice? A phenomenal sounding board that just understands, is wise, brutally honest when necessary? If you do you're beyond blessed (and I'm sure you know it). That person for me has always been my mom. I respect her on so many levels it's beyond words sometimes. She truly is a tangible example of grace and truth in my life that I can only hope to be for my own kids.

 

It's been challenging in this season of my life where I've felt that nudge from God to stand on my own two spiritual feet and exercise the wisdom growing inside me. It's downright nerve wrecking when I look over the edge into what seems like a raging ocean of life's situations and I can't imagine walking out into the storm. What if I fall? What if this overtakes me? Do I even know what to say or do? The mental flood of questions and self analysis can be just as bad if not worse than the situation sometimes. In the moments I've wanted to breakdown, give up, or run and hide I've been pushed just a little more to step into wisdom's haven.

That's looked a lot more like not seeking so much advice from everywhere else, but rather becoming still and quiet to hear what I need to do. And that's not easy for me, who is prone to second-guessing and doubting myself. It's taken so much more time spent in prayer and feeding my spirit rather than my emotions. Becoming comfortable with my voice and discernment, seeing that I'm much stronger and healthier than I realize in Christ. But it's felt so great to see the strength in walking in wisdom...because when my heart and emotions are confused wisdom isn't. 

Recently I felt like my heart was torn in a ministry situation. I wanted all the advice in the world to soothe what I felt had broken a piece of my spirit. Then I wanted to lash out and even manipulate things out of fear that the "truth" would not prevail. But I kept hearing in my spirit to be still and silent...to apologize and step back. Not at all the words or actions I deemed necessary! Though my emotions clouded my judgment, because of the strength of wisdom I didn't have to walk through the situation as I could have. Even in the moments where it felt like things were getting worse...I've stayed as still as possible. 

I've been finding that wisdom is a lot more being still and waiting than anything else...but there's strength in meekness and humility- which my proud heart continues to see. Real, genuine, unwavering strength...

In this Season: The pursuit of identity

"Don't forget who you are and who's you are..."

Recently hearing that has made me think more and more about identity. I've always had a deep call and love for young women and reminding them of their value and true self. That's been apart of my fiber even when I didn't know much of who I was or felt like I belonged anywhere or to anyone...even God. Never finding solace in cutting or drinking or being the "best" Christian possible allowed me to answer and know who and who's I am. Seems cliche, but there is so much truth in what I just wrote. So much honesty in seeking in others what can only be found in one place. 

I had an incredible conversation with a young lady recently that caused me to share this antidote with a deeper understanding. Because whether we acknowledge it or not, we are constantly trying to answer, remind, connect, and find security in who and who's we are. Especially as women. Experiencing this all of our lives. Sometimes we call it wearing many hats or labels or providing some eloquent list of complexities that describe what you think you are...not so much who.

 See, who gets mixed up with what too often. As women we claim our what we do as who we are and find ourselves buried under labels of deeds and works that can't quite quench that insatiable appetite of busyness, work, competition with others...desire of perfection. It's messy and exhausting! What is the hamster wheel, going full speed with no end in sight. It's easy to say what I am, because we're condition to associate those deeds with who we are.

But it's not even comparable if we stopped and put the laundry list of deeds down. Because WHO you are can only be defined by WHO's you are. And truth is the only one who knows who you are, is the one who intricately made you. With the intent and desire for you to see that who you are is what opens the doors for the what you want to become. Who you are brings the peace and unexplainable joy that allows you to make the decisions on what to do. Who's you are separates and propels you to do what it is that's your purpose. Who is sustainable while what is transient and interchangeable. 

More and more I see why identity is so easily attacked and pursued...because when you know your who, the what becomes easy. I've been spending more time figuring out who I am, as I've so desired to get to what I want. These are some scriptures I've begun studying on my own as daily reminders. I hope they're encouraging to you as well friend.

In Christ, I am forgiven (Eph. 1:7).

In Christ, I am set free from condemnation and shame (Rom. 8:1).

In Christ, I am born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead (1 Peter 1:3).

In Christ, I am renewed in the spirit of my mind ( Eph. 4:21–24).

In Christ, I am rooted and grounded in love (Eph. 3:17-19).

In Christ, I am able to forgive others as I have been forgiven (Col. 3:12-14

In Christ, I am His workmanship created in Christ Jesus and prepared for good works He has planned for me (Eph. 2:10

In Christ, I am a new creation; the old me has been stripped away (2 Cor. 5:17–18).

In Christ, I am created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness (Eph. 4:24).

In Christ, I am able to live the victorious life He has provided for me (1 Cor. 15:57).

In Christ, you are redeemed, whole, loved, cherished, and made new. He has great plans according to His will for your life... know who you are and who's, so you can be what you've been called to be. 

Motherhood: Titus Xavier's Birth Story

"It's a false alarm. Your contractions are decreasing, I can tell in your face you're not happy, but maybe you're dehydrated a little - I'm so sorry." Nothing but a flashback of sitting in Labor and Delivery for Kai as the midwife told me the same, with much less grace and a disclaimer that this was what "first time moms do."

That was Monday... I cried. If looks could kill I murdered that sweet doctor multiple times and even more when she mentioned I should push up my c-section date. I wanted so badly to be affirmed that I had an ounce of understanding that I was in labor (seriously I was on contraction watch the ENTIRE 38th & 39th week!) I didn't want this to end up like my first pregnancy when the nurse asked me why my fluids had not been checked sooner and I could've avoided a c-section.

Please do not misunderstand I have no qualms with c-sections and my recovery was nothing like many of the stories I've heard, but to know it wasn't medically necessary was something that never settled with me...I knew my body. 

Leaving the hospital I held Mike's hand and I cried/ threw a tantrum that this all was a waste of time. "This is not like the first pregnancy, and you've got to stop reliving it." He was right - because up until that point the last two weeks I couldn't focus on anything else, but having a VBAC. It somehow would justify things - make it right...but that wasn't completely true. Makai's birth story made me a mother - how incredible was that and is?!? How he arrived did not take away that fact in the slightest. So I let it rest (as much as my anxious heart could), and after Monday I knew I needed to stop obsessing and let it be.

Tuesday - After the false alarm and everything checked out well I was asked to come into the office to see if I had progressed and to just follow-up. My mom went with me, because moms are just amazing like that. The doctor did her routine exam and unexpectedly stripped my membranes, pretty sure each time I've done this I still clench at the thought... After a few laughs and a side eye for catching me off guard, the doctor simply said "I'm very hopeful this weekend he will come. You're a great candidate still." (And a note to keep walking...and have more sex) Of course as we left my mom cheered we were 2cm and effacing (thanks mom). I took a sigh of relief...it would work out how it should. With that sigh brought on contractions - like the ones veteran moms tell you about...for the next four days. 

Saturday (due date) - I figured I needed to keep myself occupied at this point. Mike left for a meeting early morning so Kai and I took a spin at grocery shopping. Grocery shopping and contractions don't really mix... I received several "you're ready to pop," "you're huge," "wow!" - all of the usual pregnant women greetings while checking items off our list. We made it home and I was exhausted. Around 6pm I started noticing a pattern with the contractions, but didn't time them (out of fear honestly)...but by 7:30pm, they weren't stopping. So we waited until 9:00pm and I called to see if I needed to go to the hospital. Yes. 

Dropped off Kai and made our way down not sure what to expect, but the contractions kept coming.

Around 10:30pm we were admitted and I was at 3cm 80% effaced. Contractions were consistent and the doctor discussed a plan, explaining I needed an epidural just in case a c-section was needed (I felt at peace). We were in, it was really happening, if anything this was it!!

I will spare you the next several hours, because they consisted of me pretty sure I was ready to rip out my insides, tears, trying to not punch someone - great labor things. Strangely my epidural didn't work and only numbed the top half of my left thigh haha, so this was incredibly natural ironically... but after my water broke I went from 4cm to 6cm and then I started yelling that I needed to push. Luckily I was right 9.5cm and got the green light within seconds. 

Our Nurse Dana!

My mom was the big coach and kept me from all of my "I cant's." Mike was exactly what I needed with a side of humor only he can get away with, holding my hand calmly reminding me I was doing great (and I think at one point when the head was crowing he was going to pass out haha). And lastly was our phenomenal nurse Dana who was our biggest advocate despite the doctor at one pointing
stating we needed a c-section. No words can ever thank her.

Sunday at 1:48pm Titus Xavier Galeano burst (literally) into the world. 8lbs 19.5" with a mane that you could make a toupee out of! I cried, I yelled "it's a baby!!" when he came out (everyone burst into laughter) not sure what I was expecting, but I couldn't believe it happened. He was here, it was a VBAC, I had the best support team (thanks to my close friends and especially my sister who responded to EVERY text, call, pigeon carrier about my labor process), and medical advocate through it all - no cliche it was a blessing and a wonderful lesson.

Their stories are so different and I'm so grateful to be a mother of two stunning little boys. I will say Titus' birth has brought Mike and I closer and me much more vulnerable about my own faith, handling the unknown, and trusting God with my hopes and dreams more than before (because it's not easy no matter how long you've served Him). 

I'm excited to enjoy our growing family and I can't say enough how awesome it is when you have others believing in your dream with you.

Welcome sweet Titus Xavier. 

Weekend Adventures: Easter, Family, and Rest

 

As the weekend comes to a close I have to say that despite it feeling incredibly busy, I loved that we all had time together. I found myself managing our schedule much better by leaving earlier and allowing Kai and myself to rest at a decent time since Mike was apart of this year's Easter production. Though Thursday and Friday were late evenings for him, Kai and I were asleep and ready to tackle the next day! The further along I get in my pregnancy the more I realize that I need rest - so I'm grateful that we can be flexible (thanks babe).

Saturday we helped and enjoyed the Easter carnival which was full of cotton candy, candy, and of course an egg hunt. We overstuffed ourselves with cotton candy and I'm not ashamed to say it! This was Kai's first real indulgence in this sweet nectar (can you tell my love for cotton candy?). I would say the sticky hands, face, and request for more made this experience for him a success! Later in the evening I took a "mommy break" and went to Target so I could pick up some items for dinner and see what I could find for Kai's basket (you can read about last year's basket here). While I was standing in the $1 section, I found myself thinking outloud and mentioning that I wasn't sure if Kai really needed a basket this year. A fellow mom beside me told me I didn't want him to "not know" about the holiday and I should get a few small things. As I roamed around I couldn't help but run that through my head a few times (you know me well... Miss Analytical), and I came to the conclusion that I want Kai to know what Easter is about...and it has nothing to do with a basket.

So I scratched the basket this year...and I didn't feel bad about it. Instead I bought Kai and Mike a few items I knew they would enjoy/need and called it a day. Kai got a bubble wand and some cool Ninja Turtle snack keepers - oh and not to mention underwear! I could not get one single photo that wasn't blurry, because Kai LOVED the bubble wand (point for me!). Mike and Kai played with the bubbles well into dinner time and I am glad I didn't go above and beyond this year. However, we did read the Easter story and thanked God for sending His son in the most gracious and selfless acts ever committed. I think that will be a part of our family tradition...

Finally Sunday rolled around and we rested. I crafted while the boys took naps and we spent time with friends who are family. Mike had requested for us to take a picture together at the same spot over 2 years ago when we were pregnant with Kai (oh time...). My how we've grown.

How was your weekend? Were you able to enjoy today off as well? I worked a small portion of today, but had some great time with my sister and nephews at the house. We even cleaned up the front yard and put down new mulch! I know you're beaming with excitement as well haha! I could get used to more days like today and this weekend.

Motherhood: Redemption [Part I]

I was in that place again..that one where I felt overwhelmed, alone, and ready to quit. I remember sitting with Mike one night and telling him I was okay with walking away from it all and this life. As difficult as it was to say I found myself trying to be as confident and nonchalant in my words, because I was so assured that there was nothing else to look forward to. Was I disregarding my role as a mother and wife? Or just being selfish as Mike looked into my eyes and told me how could I only think of myself? But you can't explain irrationality to a rational heart when it feels like darkness is all around you. Someone once shared with me that it's hard to deal with darkness, because it's sticky - when you think you've cleaned off one area you find it somewhere else...and I found my mind so clouded with stickiness nothing could eradicate its existence.

This dark cloud hadn't made such a presence in many years, to say I was prepared would be fooling myself and those who know me best. Dealing with seasons of depression were behind me I chanted - I've dealt and moved on. What brought it on... I couldn't pin point it. I sat in my quiet thoughts one night as I had started feeling the physical effects of this storm cloud and found myself sick often for several weeks. Fighting between plans and logic of letting go and what I know to be truth in God's word - truth in my own life.

We had tried for months to have another child with no success, I took it as a sign and when the nurse told me I wasn't expecting I knew for sure laying with eyes closed that I didn't need to keep pushing on in this manner. A storm, a body failing with no real medical reason, and most of all the weight of work was most definitely a recipe for me to stay in bed with covers over my head to hide my angry and worn tears... then you appeared. Right as I told myself if I'm not pregnant then I can let this storm overtake me and I won't fight this time. I'm tired...

No free spirit desires to be caged or confined...having their wings clipped by life's circumstances knowing that there is so much more to this life. to my life.

Truth is there has been a deep redemption in these last several months as I await your arrival. Just as your brother caused me to look long and hard in the mirror as a 25 year old naive young woman, you now cause me to do the same - but with eyes opened in a way that has ground against those inner parts I didn't know were hidden (even from myself).

to be continued...

Marriage & Ministry: Oh You're a Pastor's Wife...

"So what does your husband do?"

" He's a youth pastor"

"Oh! So you're a pastor's wife?"

Reluctantly I've answered that question or subconsciously shown on my face what I felt in my heart when my husband initially began full time ministry over two years ago. There was a slight twinge in my core I couldn't explain or maybe it was the change in the tone of the questioner to my husband's profession... maybe a mixture of both. Sometimes the conversation would end awkwardly there or a few minutes later, but the automatic feeling that I had to become on guard was a blow to the chest every time (and still can be...). Before that moment I was normal or at least I could be myself without any apparent judgments, but now I knew and they knew there was an invisible expectation...because with different roles and titles there is always an expectation. I'm not just Carmen... oh you're a pastor's wife.

Stepping into ministry was completely by God's calling that I had pushed aside and with much bitterness in my heart refused to fulfill. I had served under many ministries since I was in middle school, always wanting to live at church and found it as my safe place. I loved helping and have always enjoyed encouraging others to greatness - it's just in my DNA. However, during my early 20's I had been greatly hurt by ministry (I don't wish upon anyone) and had seen how it affected and torn a part others in a way I didn't want to see touch my family...especially my new growing family. But sometimes our greatest fears are the fuel to our greatest impact in life. After a tugging on Mike's heart we returned to ministry, but not just in an inconspicuous way where I wouldn't have to get my hands dirty and could detach when I felt the need. But the front line.

[Insert angry emojis along with a few fire ones]

It took many nights of prayer and literally crying out to God angrily as to why He would place me in such a position. Pregnant I would sit in our room or in the living room on the floor and journal my anger; freely questioning if God even cared. My broken spirit didn't know if I could handle another tear or wound, not with a precious life in my hands. I reminded myself nothing would be different and we would end up like a statistic. I reasoned with Mike, because I know how to be extremely logical - but there was nothing logical about this...and when God is in the center it rarely is.

There are a lot of assumptions when it comes to pastors and their wives. Many times it is romanticized or even pitied, because pastor's wives can become lonely or neglected...I've had them and now in filling my own shoes, I experience them. As with any title or expectation you set the bar then watch to see how close one measures to it. Even for myself I felt that now I wear this badge I must be pretty much the opposite of myself: quiet, timid, soft spoken, not questioning much, and especially following the rules. 

                           What if I don't measure up? 

                                            What if that sounded too harsh? 

                                                                  What if I don't fit in? 

                                                                                      And truthfully I didn't. 

When Mike and I stepped into this roll all I could think of was how I didn't fit the mold...and it made me feel even less than when people would just prod and pick into our lives as if we were that awkward pimple on your nose...only to distance themselves and collect our responses to be shared or told in another setting. However, in those moments of transition I really had to learn to ground myself and rely on who I know God has created me to be. 

Stepping into ministry Mike and I knew what we would face especially with the titles we carry. Titles are so tricky and easily trap you, especially if you believe their hype. This was no longer an "I" or about "me" but rather a partnership that had to be so tightly knit we could hold each other no matter the circumstance. We are a team and in that I found myself starting to fit these shoes of a pastor's wife. Accepting the sacrifices I knew I would have to make and embracing the opportunities God has opened for me have gone hand in hand lighting each stone I step down this path... From writing letters to our young ladies and hosting girls only nights at our home - to listening to a broken young girl on the end of the  phone and praying with her because I know how it feels... I've been able to redeem my own negative view of who I thought I had to be.

Yes I am a pastor's wife...but more importantly I don't shy away from it now. It can be taxing and discouraging when a title is placed on your forehead that you don't even believe is right for you. Often times I don't announce who I am until we have to stand on a stage, because it doesn't define who I am or the person I should reflect when there are no accolades. 

Are you a wife in ministry? I want to virtually hug you and high five you as I continue to become encouraged to follow this path and run this race that is only for me. God calls us to roles that enhance who we are and challenge us to growth in areas we need most, I feel like I live this daily in these shoes. I wasn't sure if I would open up and write about this, but I felt it on my heart - because I'm there with you. Daily I have to communicate and make intentional time with my husband and our family so that I don't blame ministry or confuse my lack of initiative with it being "ministry's fault." I've learned wisdom in reserving what I say and praying more to whom I become vulnerable with...but I refuse to be a porcelain shell fearing who may break me a part. 

There is beauty in this challenge some days I see easier than others..but nonetheless beauty. I am still me, growing and learning just as any one else. I pray that this is an encouragement to someone starting in ministry and unsure of what to think or how to act. God called you - it's okay to be you.

Life Thoughts: The Gift of Encouragement

It has been a full year and we are back at the Catalyst Conference in Georgia. Last year I shared my heart and wrote this post about my experience. Though I took away many things, my heart was full of a deep burden and many pensive thoughts about God's love for me and my growth and place in His will for my life. I felt that as I wrote that post and shared so much in my heart; I was a bit hesitant this year in returning to the conference. Not because I didn't feel that I took something away the year before (I took so much), but because I wasn't sure if this year I would feel at the same place in many areas of my life and not really moving forward. I've been in a place where I feel stuck, but it's been purposeful to cause me to focus.

Last year's theme was known and this year's theme is change makers. The line up of speakers has been phenomenal and I've come this year in a much more humble and contrite place that I've just allowed myself to learn and really take all of it in. Full immersion...no holding back. We arrived to the conference this morning weary and very tired from the drive, but definitely I've hidden a deep expectation in my heart. I wrote a list of things down recently that I've wanted to hear God's direct answer to and I knew that if I listened close enough this weekend would reveal many of them. Lately I've found myself saying:  

It's not that there isn't a message or an answer, I'm just not focused enough to listen and hear it.

Since going through the She Reads Truth app and opening my word...sincerely studying it I've had an amazing and extremely tough time with God. I realized how uninterested I've been in reading my bible and how much I've struggled with negative self-talk and constantly being doubtful of everything. My focus has been off and I've missed opportunities, because I can't help but fixate and compare to what others are accomplishing. But it's been an uphill trek to get back to a healthier and sound routine spiritually...and very much needed...

Okay so back to the conference and the theme. Today I spent most of my time talking to companies and collecting the myriad of free things that are available (I.LOVE.FREE). In between the conference I've been able to spend time with one of our church staff and a dear confidant on a one on one level. One thing I've always admired about her is that she is an encourager. No matter what the situation she has a way of encouraging and steering you into a direction that meets your heart's desire and your given purpose. It truly is her gift...but she just isn't any type of encourager. I think the word encourage is often used loosely to only define verbal affirmation or sometimes mindless ways we make people temporarily feel better. That's not what she does - she truly embodies the word encouragement in a physical form. 

This afternoon as we were walking I was amazed how easily she connected to others and made them feel not only important, but truly a vital part of the entire conference experience (even conference staff!). I love free...and I love free t-shirts. So on our way back to our seats, she had stopped by a marketing booth I had liked their t-shirt designs and jokingly shared how I loved their product and if they had any additional t-shirts to share one with me...and you know - they did. The gentleman at the booth shared that he loved my enthusiasm for their company and handed me a shirt. Yes!

Though I was extremely happy at the shirt, I don't want to forget what she told me as we walked away.

People want to connect with YOU. They want to talk to YOU and be a part of your life.

I by nature do not always do well in initiating time with others, it is something I work on daily (even hourly depending)...and I stopped to really take in those words. Simply because it wasn't just that you should connect to receive, but rather the fact that we as people love to connect with one another. There is a gift in sharing who you are not only for the one receiving - but most importantly for you. As I watched her connect with others and help them connect with even me, I found myself desiring to take on more of that quality in my life. Encouraging and connecting in a way that I never have before..in only a way that I can. 

Today was even more special, because I was able to meet a blogger and mommy that I met on Instagram over a year ago! Joleen from Love, Joleen opened her home and I could not have asked for a better time and moment to share. Words cannot express how grateful and comfortable I felt sitting and having coffee with her, just connecting. Even stepping outside of my comfort zone felt safe and wonderful. I've admired Joleen, because she was the first blogger to help me really get on my feet and open opportunities for me. I love and respect her work so much! 

Of course there are a million thoughts in my head, but if anything today I am stringing together this theme of connecting...in many facets and avenues. Life is full of surprises and reasons for me to initiate opportunities that I've hoped to have. Today was just a small glimpse.

Our Nest: Settling In

This post has been in the making and I struggled with sharing what I felt was "premature" since the house is far from put together...but then I'd be missing out on sharing the joy and excitement I feel. I definitely don't want to do that, and the house won't be perfect or finished any time soon.

I didn't think we were going to find a home within the time frame we had hoped for (before the end of our lease). So as we looked I didn't have high expectations as to finding the home, though my heart really wanted to have that moment where you just know that this is THE HOUSE! I shared before about the first home we had put an offer on, and the second home we considered was completely out of our price range. The deal didn't feel right and as much as I wanted to compromise, I knew that I was asking for a miracle - but being okay with settling for second best. Needless to say that house didn't work out, and we had to say no. At that point I threw my hands up, and felt so frustrated and doubting that we could find a home and really achieve what we had worked for the last 2.5 years. I remember my mom telling me that when you finally give up is when it happens...and as usual mothers have a way of being right (amen...and amen).

A week or so later Mike and Kai went to see this home and he called me that Friday saying that I had to come and see it as well after work. His exact words were "It's a little crazy with the colors, but the house is beautiful and I think we could really do this." I prayed. I was excited and reluctant, because sometimes Mike says something is great and then I think it's horrible or vice versa ha! In my heart I wanted to meet the owner of the home and asked God if I did then that was my sign. So that night I went through the home and the wife was there cleaning the walls of the room I'm sitting in as I type this. She was so kind and sweet, apologizing that the house wasn't ready and some personal things had come up which prevented them from prepping it as they had planned. She kept referring to it as my home (I'm not joking) and somehow we connected and I shared my heart. I told her our story and what Mike and I prayed for in a home. The house looked like Joseph's technicolor coat or a really bad acid trip in terms of a color story... but it was gorgeous and felt like I could live here for years to come.

We got the house (I know it seems like I'm skipping quite a bit, and I am). We prayed for closing costs to be paid and at first they counter offered, then called back and said that we needed to own the home... miracle. Everything we prayed for in a home I'm looking at. From space, to the yard, to the location...it's all here. It hasn't fully hit me yet. It will take a few more blog posts to convey all that I feel, but this is a start. Of course many more posts in terms of what I'm doing and all the fun d.i.y.'s that I've been planning and executing on little to no sleep (adrenaline is amazing).

Here are a few snapshots of our nest. As we continue to change and paint and grow there will be more and I'm sure a series of our nest posts... I still can't believe it. Note: I'm still learning the lighting in the house so please forgive some of the photos...

    Kai insisted on having a photo taken as well. I hope that you caught a glimpse of our new home, I can't wait to share much more with you. The natural light is phenomenal in the house, I just need to be home to capture it better! Have a wonderful weekend, it's my birthday on Sunday and I'm already feeling pretty awesome!

Weekend Adventures: Sweet Serendipity

This weekend we had the beautiful privilege of being a part of a wedding and spending some great quality time together! I love weekends like this, because something always seems to catch me by surprise. Mike officiated the wedding! He looked handsome as ever (I could be biased) and the ceremony was stunning. Though only 3 hours away from home we found ourselves adventuring to an evening trip to the beach and at the Air force Base I grew up on as a child...how serendipitous (I think that's right..). We watched Kai explore the fighter jets and run aimlessly in the fields finding all sorts of nature.

My favorite part of the weekend was meeting a photographer and his wife who were enjoying the beach with one of their grandchildren (who made a nice appearance in our family photo ha!). He had been a professional photographer for over 47 years from capturing models to politicians, it was quite fascinating. Of course he didn't mind capturing a few photos of us and Kai; while sharing how his daughter and son-in-law had quit their prestigious jobs to run a nonprofit where they feed and clothe the homeless...because God told them to. He shared how it has been going and how now even his sister was coming down from Texas to help. Much has been happening in my own life lately, I've reserved sharing exact details here simply because I'm scared. With all great changes there is fear. After saying goodbye to our new friends, I looked at Mike who always knows how to read my heart in moments like these. He simply reminded me that nothing is out of coincidence. To say our veteran photographer wasn't sent just to encourage me that we are headed in the right direction would be far from the truth, at least I would like to think so.

Sometimes when we feel like we're aimlessly walking towards what we believe is our purpose we lose sight of why we started down the path in the first place or become paralyzed in our steps by fear of it being the wrong direction. Oh serendipity...you nudge me along.

Reality

No there is a purpose for me sharing the mess that has consumed "my side" of the room as Mike calls it (especially in this state). I'm not just sharing dirty laundry, though I know the bra sitting on my desk is quite classy haha...

Anytime I'm stressed it doesn't necessarily show in my attitude, though I become snappy and easily frustrated or worried about the smallest of things...it really shows in my home. When I'm freaking out or feeling like I have no idea how I'm going to make it through this week I become extremely reckless with staying tidy and neat. Dishes pile up (as I secretly wait for the only other adult in the home to wash them...), I throw all the clothes that I can't wear around, and everything is "dirty" so the laundry becomes a monster in itself. I'm so consumed by my emotions I can't keep up with anything let alone anyone really.

This week was strange. I try and keep my work life out of my blog, simply because it's not something I care to discuss even with my husband. I've enjoyed working in the social work field, but after having a child of my own I can't stomach some of the images and realities I deal with... In some ways I guess I carry the shame of the cases I know I cannot change. I'm a lover at heart and to see someone not being loved I take it personally (which is so unhealthy). It's the hardest thing about working in reality. Most days I'm not surrounded by beautiful lattes or gorgeous scenery after a brisk walk with my son. Life looks a lot more like that mess and I don't know how to handle it always... no one wants to see a mess right? Who talks about it? This week I realized I need to talk more about it, and not in that depressing crying over a bowl of ice cream type of way...

When we start falling apart some people use humor to cope with it, others explode, and many people like me internalize it as it's expressed through the private and intimate areas of our lives. Most of these ways aren't necessarily healthy, but we all find a way to deal with it. Eventually I clean up the mess and wash the dishes that only I see in the sink, because it's my responsibility. Though reality carries so many responsibilities the worst thing I allow myself to believe among many others is that you have to carry it alone. No you can't change everything, but most effective change starts within you.

I encourage you as I continue to learn myself to not believe that you have to do it alone. Reality is taxing and so are the loads you carry, but I feel the strongest when I am connected with someone who can encourage me to push through. Who will allow me to cry when I know I can't change a child's situation or remind me that all the parts of my life bring value and substance to who I am. I hope you have that person and if not I am gladly around dear friend.

18 Lessons

Time seems to stop when you're in your third trimester and go into full gear the first year of their lives. When did 18 months go by? I can't even fathom the fact that Kai is going on his second year of life and more importantly his apparent 20th year of wisdom (because he acts as if he has been living that long most days). I started a journal when I found out I was pregnant and continued to write prayers, advice, different days that I wanted to remember or tell him one day when he is older. Have you done that? I'm getting super emotional over the fact that my baby is still my baby...but much more independent and active I figured I would share the Top 18 lessons he has taught me while I soak in his 18 months...

1. You Need Rest: We push and push ourselves until we have nothing left sometimes - if I were truthful it's all the time. It really is okay to rest...you need it. We really are much nicer after a good nap.

2. It's not that serious: Don't focus on the small stuff, because it really is just small stuff.

3. Every moment is precious: Everything truly only happens once. When we least expect it is when the extraordinary happens or at least the one thing you can't capture on camera.

4. Be inquisitive: Even if it gets you in trouble..which leads to #5

5. Kisses fix everything: Kai has become infamous for giving a kiss every time he gets into something he shouldn't...and I wouldn't change that.

6. Size doesn't matter: Although he was born on the cusp of 7lbs, he doesn't need to be a chunky monkey to make his presence known... and neither do I in any aspect of my life. Though it's so easy to focus on BIGGER is BETTER, most times the most influential people in your life never had to tell you they were influencing you.

7. Make fun of yourself: Don't take yourself so seriously...seriously

8. EXPLORE: Make a mess, you can clean it up later. Go discover something new. No one ever made a difference staying safe.

9. Take Risks! We only have one life, make the most of it. The worst that can happen is someone will say "no" and then go to plan B...which is the same as plan A.

10. Don't hold a grudge: Staying angry takes up too much time that could be spent enjoying one another. Kai has the gift of moving on quickly...I hope I can do the same as I get older.

11. Be Vulnerable: What other way is there to be?

12. Enjoy being YOU: We all have quoted something in life about embracing who we are, but often forget no one else can be YOU. There is only one Kai and no matter where we are he always creates his own niche. Never once follows or backs down.

13. Fun really is free: You really have fun when the focus is on who you're with and not what you're doing.

14. Allow yourself to be happy: It truly is a choice.

15. Know what you want: Kai wakes up every morning saying yum-yum - translation "Time to EAT." When you figure out how to express yourself, don't hold back whether it's through writing, speaking, or Morse Code - tell em' what you need!

16. Ask for Help: Kai makes this one look effortless... He always knows his safe place, I've become much more reliable as a person because he makes me remember if I don't do it who will? (I still forget many things though...)

17. Parenting is a TEAM EFFORT: Though Kai finds great comfort in my arms, he daily reminds me just how important my husband is to him and especially to me. Even as a single parent your child knows where the support comes from. Embrace them and let them know.

Finally, Number 18. Be Proud of Yourself: Kai claps for everything. Brushing his teeth, picking up a toy, eating from a spoon... in the simplest of things he finds a reason to be proud of his accomplishments. It's caused me to praise him that much more and myself. Sure there are other 18 month old kids on the potty or using sign language, but why compare when I can be proud of what MY SON is doing. Compare less and Praise more. I'm much happier that way.

  
Sweet Kai I'm so proud of you and all that you continue to teach me and your dad. I never realized how much I needed you to grow me as a person and to give me the drive I needed to do and be better. Words will never tell you how I will give my life for you or do anything for you to be who God wants you to be. I love you...we love you. 

Mommy & Daddy

Life Thoughts: A love that never fails...

Hubs and I are in Georgia for a few days at the Catalyst Conference. I was torn about leaving love bug home with grandma (but my mom's arms are the safest anyone could be in). The break has been much needed and it's been much sweeter to focus on hubs and us...and myself. I've been running a little too hard, and this break is beyond timely. When it comes to being in youth ministry our hearts are on auto when it comes to our kids...we don't have much time to sit down and soak in what God has for us individually...then today happened.

The theme of the conference is known, and how each of us have an innate desire to be known and embraced for who we are or what we create ourselves to be. Can you relate? Whether it's known at your job for your work ethic, online for your humor, or all around - we all like to be known for something. In listening to speaker after speaker I couldn't stop writing in my journal what I heard...my hand hurts! I was just a sponge soaking it in. But the thing I soaked in the most was Who knows me. I know even in writing this it doesn't make sense to some of you...but stay with me.

As you know The Blue Swallow is my labor of love...my baby...my dream. I have many dreams, but this encompasses it all in so many ways. Entering into any startup or facing your dream, it really feels impossible. I've been beating myself up and have had an attitude of defeat, because IT JUST DOESN'T LOOK LIKE "THEIRS!" I am not making items fast enough, I don't have time, I don't have enough followers, is anyone even reading this blog? I seriously say these things to God and He has repeatedly said the same thing:

Remember who you do this for.

I didn't create these gifts or impart myself with these ideas...I wish I could take credit but I can't. It's so much bigger than me and my own idea of success causes me to forget WHO I do all of this for. Why I love how I love, why I write, why The Blue Swallow is even in my heart. It's yes my labor of love, but really because I want to be known by how I show God's love. I want to be known for being vulnerable and being in that moment of need with you - because God has and still does it for me.

Confession: even in the midst of 13,000 Christians I felt disconnected. I talked to my hubs and shared that I did not meet or connect with one person today...I barely got others to smile and this is a Christian conference! If I feel like that...then how do you feel? I don't want that for anyone..especially when I know God possesses this unfailing love. Yes my love can be conditional and is at times or short lived...but His is not. I don't want to mess that chance up for you by not showing that love...I mean it.

Tonight I cried as we sang "your love never fails, it never gives up...it never runs out on me." Cause it doesn't. Through the most difficult times of my life, not once have I been forgotten. When I was on depression medication and extremely thin...alone and isolated - I wasn't forgotten. When I've screamed and yelled in anger at my hubs and forgotten grace and the fact he is a gift to me...still not forgotten. 

I have bad memory haha...but God doesn't. I know this post took a different direction, but I wanted to share my heart and why I love as hard as I do. I love because it is a reminder to me that God didn't leave me once. I just hope to share that something small and tangible with you. So even when I craft or share something new, know love is attached to it... I came to Christ because I couldn't believe someone could love me just for me. I can't fabricate that for you, push it down your throat, or make you do it... and nor do I want to - that's just not me. But In the midst of my juggling life and waiting (not so patiently) for this dream...I don't want to forget you. 

I want you to know unfailing love, in all things that I do. So if all I do is send you happy mail know it really is sent with nothing but love.