The First Week Back

There are so many mixed emotions as I've returned back to work this past week. It's been a roller coaster emotionally that I've been able to keep to myself between the hours of 9:00am - 4:30pm, but prior to that and after I'm a mess. I don't share that in a cry for sympathy as much as I just need to write it and read it back to myself. Reassure myself that it's completely okay to not want to return to work and know that something has to change. I've been at this place before, actually three years ago when Kai was born and I swore to myself that I needed to be home with him. It didn't happen.

However, as I've anticipated returning to work I've been faced with a question that I leave unanswered in hopes that it will just "figure itself out." I mean who can truly answer what they want to do with their life? Well many people can, I've just been in the category of those that cannot pinpoint exactly what they want. Because how can one have what they love beautifully collide with a way of living? So when I'm asked I feel stuck and then too easily discouraged. Thinking that there are only a select few in life that really can do what they love and not live in a cardboard box.

So I started soul searching while on maternity leave this time around instead of starting a business, trying to make things work, and measuring/calculating a strategy of "success." Because what I love I can't say would bring monetary success, or at least I couldn't see it that way. Over a year ago I started, but never fully finished a book from a bible study I briefly attended. So I picked it back up, because I've got nothing to lose. In conjunction with that I had started the two books I shared in a previous post. Note to self: finish what you started...there is something so freeing about that. So in the process of actually sitting and writing down my roles, hopes for each of them, and what I really want my life to tell and say - I realized several things.

1. I can do FIVE things well, and they all impact making who I am a better person.
2. You don't have to work to live forever, but you do have to work at whatever it is.
3. What I really want isn't just to be home with my kids, but it most certainly is a driving force.

Though there are so many other things I'm taking in right now. I've found that as difficult as re-entering this season of working I know it doesn't have to be forever. Setting goals is going to be key to getting to where I want to be - which completely goes against my normal let's see where life takes me type of attitude. So that is what must be done now. Making lists and checking them off. Staying accountable, which is easier said than done... and most importantly NOT QUITTING (whew I said it out loud).

Not just reading and blogging...but applying. The first week back at work has been tough, I miss my boys terribly and the adjustment feels like torture. BUT it's not impossible and in the words of Oh from the movie Home "we haves hope."

Quick Update: Movin' and Shakin'

I can't believe I've let almost an entire month pass by and I haven't written a post! It most certainly hasn't been out of a lack of things to write...but rather the lack of time to write them. I have missed you dearly friends and every time I look at my blog the last date I posted haunts me in my dreams. However, I am definitely getting back to my normal routine and out of the hustle and bustle of life lately.

We finally moved! Yes, I know I hinted here and there about searching for a home, but literally within a month we found a place, put an offer, got what we prayed for, and signed our financial lives away (in that order!). I can't tell you enough how amazing it feels to be in our first home, and how nerve wrecking considering the responsibilities! When we moved it the home needed a lot of work in terms of painting and fixing items, though it is structurally awesome (which is most important). However, I will save all of that for the next post (I told you I was back on track)...

One thing I have noticed is that out of circumstance I've been away from being able to capture our lives and all of this transition here and even online I've been quite sporadic, but some things just have to be lived. I know you've had that feeling before, when you try something new or you finally get that call you've wanted for your dream job...you can't really instagram it or blog the moment as it's happening - you're just living it. I've certainly been living lately, and I can't wait to share with you all that life has been bringing us.

Tonight we celebrated our dear nephew's birthday as he is the first to turn 2 this month (did I mention I'm planning a birthday party amongst the boxes and painting?!?!). He is such a joy and his mom is one of my closest and trusted friends (not just my sister-in-law). Kai and his cousin are a trip, but tonight was wonderful to say the least. Happy Birthday little C!

Toddler Chronicles: Top Five

Hello Toddler Chronicles! If you're in the same stage as I am entering or are a seasoned veteran in dealing with the abrupt change from baby to TODDLER... then maybe you can enjoy a good laugh with me as I am starting a new series called my TOP FIVE. Whether it's the top five activities Kai loves, top five foods he despises, or top five go-to fashion items for the season (because he dresses far better than me) I will be sharing with you all the new things I'm discovering in this chapter of our lives! So today I share the TOP FIVE: Things I find myself doing with a toddler!

1. Taking the same picture over again. My camera and my phone look like a flip book in the making.

2. Over animating my facial expressions (from my lovely phone archives). I can't remember the last time I used so many muscles in my face...oh wait during our bedtime story.

 3. Repeating the same songs, just because I love to see Kai dance. We are currently playing this soundtrack everyday:

4. Eating pretend food. Kai makes a killer...I'm not sure what it is yet.

5. Remembering to embrace his courageous heart...while yelling WAIT.. or NO.. or CAREFUL! He tried to climb the fence several times at the zoo...yes I was holding him back.

What are your Top Five? Have a wonderful weekend friend.

Reality

No there is a purpose for me sharing the mess that has consumed "my side" of the room as Mike calls it (especially in this state). I'm not just sharing dirty laundry, though I know the bra sitting on my desk is quite classy haha...

Anytime I'm stressed it doesn't necessarily show in my attitude, though I become snappy and easily frustrated or worried about the smallest of things...it really shows in my home. When I'm freaking out or feeling like I have no idea how I'm going to make it through this week I become extremely reckless with staying tidy and neat. Dishes pile up (as I secretly wait for the only other adult in the home to wash them...), I throw all the clothes that I can't wear around, and everything is "dirty" so the laundry becomes a monster in itself. I'm so consumed by my emotions I can't keep up with anything let alone anyone really.

This week was strange. I try and keep my work life out of my blog, simply because it's not something I care to discuss even with my husband. I've enjoyed working in the social work field, but after having a child of my own I can't stomach some of the images and realities I deal with... In some ways I guess I carry the shame of the cases I know I cannot change. I'm a lover at heart and to see someone not being loved I take it personally (which is so unhealthy). It's the hardest thing about working in reality. Most days I'm not surrounded by beautiful lattes or gorgeous scenery after a brisk walk with my son. Life looks a lot more like that mess and I don't know how to handle it always... no one wants to see a mess right? Who talks about it? This week I realized I need to talk more about it, and not in that depressing crying over a bowl of ice cream type of way...

When we start falling apart some people use humor to cope with it, others explode, and many people like me internalize it as it's expressed through the private and intimate areas of our lives. Most of these ways aren't necessarily healthy, but we all find a way to deal with it. Eventually I clean up the mess and wash the dishes that only I see in the sink, because it's my responsibility. Though reality carries so many responsibilities the worst thing I allow myself to believe among many others is that you have to carry it alone. No you can't change everything, but most effective change starts within you.

I encourage you as I continue to learn myself to not believe that you have to do it alone. Reality is taxing and so are the loads you carry, but I feel the strongest when I am connected with someone who can encourage me to push through. Who will allow me to cry when I know I can't change a child's situation or remind me that all the parts of my life bring value and substance to who I am. I hope you have that person and if not I am gladly around dear friend.