In this Season: New Surprises & Family Moments

Though I took an unexpected break from blogging, it has definitely still been in the forefront of my mind. Being able to share and record life in a unique way is a big piece of my heart and I'm so grateful to be back (hopefully for much longer). Well much has happened! Lots of growth, changes, challenges, but oh so many triumphs. The ones that humble you and remind you that God is working ever so sweetly in your life to make you better. 

As you can see the boys have grown! And their personalities are something for short stories and live television for sure...especially Titus. They are so much fun, so much that we are having our THIRD BOY in February! Yes, you read that right...our THIRD BOY ha! I can't say that Mike and I weren't hoping for a girl (so much he thinks we should try one more time...), but my heart truly is at peace and full of excitement. 

We had the opportunity recently to do a family photo session with one of my absolute favorite photographers and close friend from Uplifted Photography! I cannot even describe how I feel looking at our family in this new season. Thank you as always Bri for capturing us so perfectly, and sweet baby boy before his arrival!

Motherhood: This is hard...

The last few weeks have been hard. I mean lost sleep, way too much yelling, and tears after bedtime hard. I lost my cool so many times I can't count and all of me would like to hide under my sheets until I can pull myself together. Sometimes this parenting thing really throws you some curveballs and you can't dodge or catch them fast enough. 

 

Last week Mike and I sat down and spoke with Kai's teacher and the PreK director in regards to preparing him for Kindergarten. There were concerns about his ability to self regulate and if he may be too young to really adjust to the structure of the actual classroom setting. Truthfully the feedback was helpful, though my momma heart was so torn and broken as I felt I missed the mark. I kept thinking how did I not see this? Have I been too lenient and passive? What do I do now? And I beat myself up. Blaming what I felt was a stamp or label (which it was not) on our son....and my job as his mom. I cried. I ugly cried. Did I say I cried?

Everything inside of me wanted to quit motherhood for the next several days. But I knew I needed to really get my head straight and see what was what. When you hear "negative" or unpleasant things especially about your children it can overshadow any truth. All of the sudden you think it's ALL bad and it's ALL over, when it's probably not. So I took a mental break and this past weekend I did some rearranging. I received several helpful tips to better prepare myself and Kai for next year along with developing a structure and expectations that are conducive without overwhelming him at home (I'd love to share my 3 favorites):

 

1. Get Creative in Learning your kid's learning style: Though every child learns differently, knowing how your child learns makes you a stronger advocate. You can share and provide tips when working with your child's teacher. It's great to know and verbalize your kid's needs, because they are one of many in a class (not bad, just reality). Trying flash cards, art projects, interactive apps, videos, and games help you gauge what your child leans towards in comprehending content. I'm noticing that Kai does very well with all of those and I'm still learning more!
2. Have a learning time in your schedule: It's okay to carve a specific time in your day and/or week that's dedicated to learning and academic growth. I have shied away from this in efforts to not "overwhelm Kai," but he has eaten up our 10-15 minutes a day of skill work. We started off with 5-7 minutes as his attention span was a concern and are close to 10-15 now! I time it as I know he will be required to maintain focus for that long with a few breaks in between.
3. Find Resources!: From Pinterest to Target and even ALDI I've found awesome skill workbooks and ideas that have been so helpful. It has also taken the pressure off of having to come up with it all. I will be sharing my favorites soon! 

In my fear and lack of knowledge in how to engage Kai academically I almost missed a new side of connecting with him. I'm really grateful that asking other moms, educators, and being able to see the recommendations for him from the school have turned into a positive situation for all of us. Wish us well as I navigate this with him. He is so bright and amazing I want him to always know that.

Our Nest: Do's & Don'ts when knee deep in Thrifting

Remember when going to the thrift store was a bad thing? I remember those days, until I hit college and a friend of mine told me all of the great clothes she found at our local thrift! All of the sudden I realized I could look fairly decent AND save the little money I had haha. Once we moved into our home I really started to get into thrifting as my old job had a Goodwill right next to it.

I've had so many great finds, and definitely some terrible ones. Following professional thrifters like Amanda Rydell, I'm constantly wishing I could find a crushed velvet couch or the perfect set of vintage quilts. However, in spite of how much I love thrifting and the thrill of finding a great deal, over the years I've learned a few things that I hope will help you on your next hunt!

1. Browse around.

    Jumping on the first thing you see sometimes isn't always the best. When I thrift I browse the entire store and place items in my cart, though I may not keep them. It's always better to see what's around before settling on just one thing. I've found the same, a similar, or even a better find by simply looking around! 

2. Go frequently! 

    This is tricky, because you don't always have time to thrift. But I have found that going at least twice a week to your local thrift stores and shops make a difference in finding great deals! Since the best and worst part about thrift shops is they aren't like Target or other stores with consistent and abundant merchandise. So items come are constantly scarce and on heavy rotation. Going on a regular basis helps to offset missing something new. 

3. Do NOT overlook Quality!

    I've made this mistake too many times when thrifting and it's not worth it! Inspect your items, especially if it's a furniture piece. Knowing that you're not purchasing something brand new does not mean you have to sacrifice its quality. Some of our best furniture pieces are vintage thrifts, but I've learned to make sure there isn't any significant damage I cannot repair. I remember purchasing chairs that would need new cane webbing. I ended up tossing them, because the repair cost 3 times more than what I paid for the chairs. So in short - the best deals are the ones that are worth the purchase!

Marriage: Learning this side of Us

 

The best marriage advice I received was early on: "relationships are like a dance, to grow you have to learn and adjust your steps." Every season is like a new song, sometimes you can move with ease or your partner can. Other moments you both seem to have left feet and desperately need some aid on the dance floor. Regardless of the song, when you've found someone you want to keep dancing with you figure it out along the way. 

For the last two years we've been in a season of a lot of new steps and many forgotten ones that I've had to relearn. As much as I love watching other couples, my biggest "couple goals" have always been my own...but it hasn't been easy. After coming alongside my husband in ministry, many areas that we had suppressed, ignored, and put a do not disturb sign on came full force in our faces. Going from seeing each other for maybe three hours total (working two different jobs and schedules) to now being side by side almost the full 24...it's been a serious adjustment! 

 

These last two years of our marriage have been unique as our love and commitment have required far more actions than words. When the arguments have gotten ugly and the space between us has felt like a thousand miles emotionally - my heart's intentions had to step up their game. Nothing is solved in a day, but as we learn, grow, and mend some broken areas I've noticed 3 changes we've made in this new dance:

1. Acknowledging where things are at: Because it's better to feel the sting of truth rather than the heartbreak of a lie. Though we can laugh now, we couldn't a few months ago when we both realized "this should be a safe place, but it's not." Processing that we both were on edge in the majority of our conversations always caused a sense of walking on eggshells. Truth was somewhere a hurt or offense began to crack our safe haven between us. Before we knew it everything was heard, seen, and felt through a distorted lense. Acknowledging and speaking truth to one another has rebuilt simple trust in our communication and safety...it's a daily practice I know we must stay committed to.

2. Make the time: It's the kids. It's your job. I'm tired...we all know the excuses, so we don't have to make the time. Saying yes to everything and everyone else made it so easy for me to say no to Mike and vice versa. Time is precious and the best way it's spent is cultivating your most important relationships. Understanding that all really good things take time...your time. Push yourself to make the effort if you want it to work. So making time to spend without kids, making time to find areas of interest, making time to have sex (indeed - that as well), all of those things are so vital for both of us. As we've made it a priority my radar can sense now when we haven't... which is a good thing. 

3. Identify and Practice ONE area of common ground: If Mike were writing this it would be sex haha. And truth is if that's your starting point in your marriage to help things get back in place, then by all means go for it! But in all seriousness for us it's prayer. Our own spiritual walks are what brought us together and it's our strongest common ground - our love for Jesus Christ. So we start there, and it doesn't always look like long devotionals or time spent on our knees praying. It's looked like conversations about podcasts, articles, a book we read together, or even what God may be sharing with us personally. Intentionally talking about something we both enjoy starts to open doors for us to talk about other things. Like the days when you could talk on the phone for hours...remember those? Yeah, I don't remember what we talked about at all, but I can recall the feeling of not wanting it to end. Practicing and finding something you both can do reminds you that you both actually like each other before this season. For us it's unveiled areas we didn't realize were a common ground! But practice is so key.

Though not everyone believes in soulmates, I do believe that when you choose to dance and take a journey alongside someone else you mean it. You choose that person, because it makes sense in more areas of your life than you can count. In our truthful moments we've both wanted to quit and walk off the dance floor...it's not been easy, but intentionally changing has become easier as we practice it. 

I pray whether it's your best season or worst while you step on each other's toes that you're encouraged and try at least one of these three for yourself. All good things are worth trying and I'm a firm believer that this is worth trying. 

In this Season: Strength in Wisdom

Ever have a "go to" person for advice? A phenomenal sounding board that just understands, is wise, brutally honest when necessary? If you do you're beyond blessed (and I'm sure you know it). That person for me has always been my mom. I respect her on so many levels it's beyond words sometimes. She truly is a tangible example of grace and truth in my life that I can only hope to be for my own kids.

 

It's been challenging in this season of my life where I've felt that nudge from God to stand on my own two spiritual feet and exercise the wisdom growing inside me. It's downright nerve wrecking when I look over the edge into what seems like a raging ocean of life's situations and I can't imagine walking out into the storm. What if I fall? What if this overtakes me? Do I even know what to say or do? The mental flood of questions and self analysis can be just as bad if not worse than the situation sometimes. In the moments I've wanted to breakdown, give up, or run and hide I've been pushed just a little more to step into wisdom's haven.

That's looked a lot more like not seeking so much advice from everywhere else, but rather becoming still and quiet to hear what I need to do. And that's not easy for me, who is prone to second-guessing and doubting myself. It's taken so much more time spent in prayer and feeding my spirit rather than my emotions. Becoming comfortable with my voice and discernment, seeing that I'm much stronger and healthier than I realize in Christ. But it's felt so great to see the strength in walking in wisdom...because when my heart and emotions are confused wisdom isn't. 

Recently I felt like my heart was torn in a ministry situation. I wanted all the advice in the world to soothe what I felt had broken a piece of my spirit. Then I wanted to lash out and even manipulate things out of fear that the "truth" would not prevail. But I kept hearing in my spirit to be still and silent...to apologize and step back. Not at all the words or actions I deemed necessary! Though my emotions clouded my judgment, because of the strength of wisdom I didn't have to walk through the situation as I could have. Even in the moments where it felt like things were getting worse...I've stayed as still as possible. 

I've been finding that wisdom is a lot more being still and waiting than anything else...but there's strength in meekness and humility- which my proud heart continues to see. Real, genuine, unwavering strength...

In this Season: The pursuit of identity

"Don't forget who you are and who's you are..."

Recently hearing that has made me think more and more about identity. I've always had a deep call and love for young women and reminding them of their value and true self. That's been apart of my fiber even when I didn't know much of who I was or felt like I belonged anywhere or to anyone...even God. Never finding solace in cutting or drinking or being the "best" Christian possible allowed me to answer and know who and who's I am. Seems cliche, but there is so much truth in what I just wrote. So much honesty in seeking in others what can only be found in one place. 

I had an incredible conversation with a young lady recently that caused me to share this antidote with a deeper understanding. Because whether we acknowledge it or not, we are constantly trying to answer, remind, connect, and find security in who and who's we are. Especially as women. Experiencing this all of our lives. Sometimes we call it wearing many hats or labels or providing some eloquent list of complexities that describe what you think you are...not so much who.

 See, who gets mixed up with what too often. As women we claim our what we do as who we are and find ourselves buried under labels of deeds and works that can't quite quench that insatiable appetite of busyness, work, competition with others...desire of perfection. It's messy and exhausting! What is the hamster wheel, going full speed with no end in sight. It's easy to say what I am, because we're condition to associate those deeds with who we are.

But it's not even comparable if we stopped and put the laundry list of deeds down. Because WHO you are can only be defined by WHO's you are. And truth is the only one who knows who you are, is the one who intricately made you. With the intent and desire for you to see that who you are is what opens the doors for the what you want to become. Who you are brings the peace and unexplainable joy that allows you to make the decisions on what to do. Who's you are separates and propels you to do what it is that's your purpose. Who is sustainable while what is transient and interchangeable. 

More and more I see why identity is so easily attacked and pursued...because when you know your who, the what becomes easy. I've been spending more time figuring out who I am, as I've so desired to get to what I want. These are some scriptures I've begun studying on my own as daily reminders. I hope they're encouraging to you as well friend.

In Christ, I am forgiven (Eph. 1:7).

In Christ, I am set free from condemnation and shame (Rom. 8:1).

In Christ, I am born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead (1 Peter 1:3).

In Christ, I am renewed in the spirit of my mind ( Eph. 4:21–24).

In Christ, I am rooted and grounded in love (Eph. 3:17-19).

In Christ, I am able to forgive others as I have been forgiven (Col. 3:12-14

In Christ, I am His workmanship created in Christ Jesus and prepared for good works He has planned for me (Eph. 2:10

In Christ, I am a new creation; the old me has been stripped away (2 Cor. 5:17–18).

In Christ, I am created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness (Eph. 4:24).

In Christ, I am able to live the victorious life He has provided for me (1 Cor. 15:57).

In Christ, you are redeemed, whole, loved, cherished, and made new. He has great plans according to His will for your life... know who you are and who's, so you can be what you've been called to be. 

Becoming 30! [part two]

Thank you so much as turning 30 feels like it has been my best birthday yet! From time with my family to the tons of love from friends it was such an awesome time and still is continuing. For the last few days it's been really important for me to accept that I need to be intentional this year. There are so many things in my heart and mind, I try to complete too much too soon. So I've set three all year goals, and I'd love to share them:

1. Consistently blog for 2016-2017
2. Develop a small group experience for moms of littles and use this platform as well for that.
3. Attend a blogging conference. 

Though I have more these are my main ones for year 30, and I cannot wait to really accomplish them. As often as I read about being goal oriented and making list, I do see the value in not just creating them - BUT really completing them. So that's the main goal, to check these things off. What is a goal you hope to complete in a year? I'd love to know!

Motherhood: Friendships of the Authentic Kind

Over time you can lose touch with relationships, especially with how easy it is to "appear" connected these days. One simple text, like, or comment seems to keep you up to date or even just simple stalking pictures makes you feel like you're there some how. Life is busy, if you have kids add an extra amen to the busy, if you have a job or two, stay at home, whatever it is the last thing often on your mind can be friends...I know for me it has felt like a luxury almost to be connected to women that I like and like me in all of my crazy.

For some time I started to distance myself. I've learned over the years that people will only take so many excuses and missed hangouts until they just stop asking. Ministry or just plain tiredness often translates "I don't have time," even if it's not entirely true. So I don't set my hopes up high, and I've learned to be honest with any new potential friends...like "hey I'm not uncool, but just so you know things can get really uncool when I can't be available often..." because I know my priorities are not sweet little ducks waddling behind one another - but rather a monster truck rally smashing into unsuspecting cars knowing the end is near (it's not that terrible, but you get the gist). But I am so grateful though for the friends and women that have come in and out of my life, whether they know it or not.

As a young girl I remember desiring so badly to be liked, to have friends, to be popular... I would do anything (don't tell my mom, even if I'm turning 30) or become anyone to "fit in." Then I grew up and still struggled with the internal desire to be a part or claimed in a group. No matter how hard I've tried I've always felt like I didn't quite "fit in." My anxiety after Titus took off on a level for many months that caused my normal introvert nature to skyrocket into a hermit crab/ borderline recluse. Which most people would have never known, because I still functioned decently in ministry and as a pastor's wife from the outside...

I've come to terms though with my personality versus my desire, but it doesn't stop me from knowing that I need friends and most importantly women in my journey. To those that say they don't like having women as friends, I tell them they just haven't found a woman willing to really be their friend: no strings attached, but willing to ride the waves of authentic relationship (including the fights). Once you've found one, you really can withstand the others that pass through.

I've been called a bad friend, I've lost friends, I've left friends, but in all of that I still value friendship. I recently went through several months where all of those things were happening. I felt terrible because the mixture of my family, life in ministry, and the overcast of anxiety really didn't give off the vibe that I wanted any friends or even wanted to be a friend. Most nights I cried, I felt stressed, I didn't know why I thought having a second baby was gonna make motherhood super amazing and easy. So it made it that much tougher that all my lines of communication were strained, and I was at a loss of how to fix them. Some still aren't, that's the truth...and that's okay.

Because in that time the stillness of knowing that especially in this season as a woman and mother you need friends, I had to get over it day by day. Less time appearing engaged and more time showing up face-to-face. As a woman we all need other women, from all different backgrounds and life experiences than ours. I love reading posts about the types of women you need in your life as a mom and I often laugh, because you really need ALL types of women. As women we are so complex and multi-faceted that it never really fits into specific categories and every season requires a change in friendships, because YOU CHANGE. I've just begun to realize that about myself more and more. The woman I am today is nowhere near who I was a year ago or even six months...and I become better when I have other women beside me to continue to nurture and foster the changes I want more of and those I need less of.

So with that I say...I've been called a bad friend, I've lost friends, I've left friends, but I will always be and need a friend to walk this life with. Women are strong beautiful and gifted and authentic friendships bring the best out of us as women, as mothers, and beyond those things.

 

In this Season: Beneath the Surface

Life has been happening, and boy do I wish some moments it would just slow down and let me catch my breath. When I quit my job I didn't imagine at all that things would be as they are, and that is a great and tough feeling. A part of me envisioned being home with the boys and writing more, taking photos of their lives, and just overall slowing down... little did I know that was NOT the plan! Initially I found myself on the verge of bitterness and resentment as I was excited to begin this new journey and step into ministry with Mike part-time, but I knew that I needed rest. Rest from the long days and nights of work, missing my kids, and the guilt I've carried for quite some time as I felt I had missed so much of my life and my dreams. Sure I pouted and found myself in the bathroom angry, crying, and frustrated not really sure what the heck I was thinking...but luckily things don't end there and this new season has been far more gratifying than I ever imagined.

During this time more than ever there has been a deep stirring, the one that doesn't relent until you figure what it's about. In the stillness of my thoughts and amidst the yucky diapers, screaming, and ministry bustle things about myself have come to the surface. Ever realize how much you suppress in life? I mean truly push deep within to keep face... Insecurities, fears, regrets, hurts, dreams, desires, aspirations - the list can go on and on.  They've all flooded me one by one, each demanding attention refusing to be pushed down anymore. The common denominator of each of them has been figuring out their roots.

Why am I insecure about who I am? Why am I afraid to be confident in decisions? Will I choose to stay hurt or realize there is more life to be lived with less baggage? Is that fight even worth it? Where are my priorities? Is this even me or am I trying to impress someone?

Looking at myself in the mirror, writing, crying, seeking truth and answers that my heart seems to have been patiently waiting for. Ultimately answering, when did I lose my voice and my reason. For months I asked why do I have these gifts if I can't use them? When really I was asking why do I have these gifts if they can't give me an immediate return? I'm not famous, I'm still broke, and no one really seems interested...

It's tough being honest with yourself... because that was the real question. Where is my return? All of this work and nothing is happening! And that deep stirring was demanding a response, more like a correction in my heart. Because the joy I found as a young girl in so many areas of my life that were my voice had been swallowed up by the pressure of applause and performance. That's a dangerous and lonely place, and it's been some time that I've needed to move on from that into a place of genuine self contentment. Understanding and respecting that there will never be a great enough number or status or award that will satisfy that mentality, has allow me to refocus and understand this stirring was needed.

Releasing expectations, allowing failures, and most importantly grace has been like the longest road trip with two cranky kids in tow and no rest stop in sight! Like where the heck is the stop!! It's been a work far beneath the surface, dealing with my character, my heart, and more importantly who I want to be.

Underneath it all that authentic, genuine, purest form of myself has been re-rooting, growing, and reshaping this road I'm on that even I do not know what the next steps hold...but they feel right and I know they won't allow me to move forward without having the character and right ambition to withstand the journey.

What season are you in? What's stirring in your heart? Are you listening?

Weekend Adventures: Youth Ministry Overload

As my boys peacefully sleep for a few hours (hopefully) I begin to sit and unwind from an incredible experience that I hope my written words give justice to. This weekend we took a group of students to our local district Youth Convention. Mind you, if you've ever done youth ministry or ministry in general these events can be a toss up: sometimes your expectations are not met, sometimes they are exceeded, or somewhere in between. However, I love the break and complete change of pace that going to a conference can bring... especially in ministry the politics of gossip, meeting standards, who to "trust" or not to, makes you lose sight of what this is all about - that's the people. Those we are meant to serve and care for...but I digress.

We left Friday afternoon, and truthfully my stomach was in knots the evening before. I thought about what if it turns out horrible... or the students think it's lame. What if someone does something stupid (because that does happen) and the trip is done? I even thought of what if I didn't plan enough and it all unravels. Despite my brave and enthusiastic face, my head was plagued with fear, and my heart was clinging to the hope that this would be a breakout moment for our group.

Transitions are challenging for adults, but honestly we do not realize how difficult they can be for youth. The youth ministry we are blessed to be apart of has gone through several years of transition and two things I strongly believe makes any ministry great, but DEFINITELY youth ministry is this: Consistency & Relationships. Of course solid biblical teaching and legitimate doctrine, but you can have the best of the best preachers and teachers and still have a lack luster group. We've worked hard and made so many mistakes in our journey of developing these two things for us and for the ministry; so this event was big for us in so many ways. Because it was not just an event, it was clothed in prayer and the desire that our students begin to see that the goal is to encounter God and never be the same...most of all to believe that you can even have that moment and it be oh so real.

The evening session began and the worship was phenomenal. We experienced Fearless BND and
Fedel. I watched with anticipation as one by one students began to feel the freedom of worshiping amongst hundreds of other students who didn't care, didn't think twice, and for one night wanted to worship. The dim lights, pumping bass, beautiful vocals, and anonymity in the crowd was the perfect recipe for laying down egos and picking up Jesus. It happened and they got it. The stage was set for God to do what only He does. Connect, break down, restore, and push forward.

I cried, I prayed, and I realized just how gratifying it is to watch someone else capture a glimpse of who God is and who He desires to be in our lives. I love our students so deeply, more so because I see so much in them. I see the fruit of all this hard work, all the long hours, and the sacrifices...the same I feel for many things that I know are worth it. Over the weekend with my three hours of sleep and missing my babies I couldn't have asked for a better time with our students.

The return would seem little to others, but the tangible feeling I have is far greater than I could contain. I am continuously reminded to invest not just pray, but truly spend the time, plant the seeds, make sure my own life is growing in God so that my time is not wasted in this ministry.

I also got a bunch of free t-shirts (my love language)...

Marriage & Ministry: The Art of Taking Offense

image | estheroh

It seems that over time it has become easier and easier to settle for being offended, especially in church. Honestly the percentage of those who walk away from their congregation due to being offended, most likely supersedes any other reason. Countless times I have sat and talked with members who are simply hurt from gossip, misconstrued situations, and down right petty "I just don't like you" issues at the heart of things. Yet I rarely see a desire and push to resolve or reconcile when an offense has occurred...and I have to wonder why.

It has taken me some time to write about this topic - to put it simply: because it is a raw issue I encounter more and more as a pastor's wife. As if this has become the "season of the offended" - and the most offended has been me. From harsh words spoken about my husband to me or judgments that felt too casually passed on decisions that we've prayed and executed personally and within the realms of ministry. I used to think I had tough skin, until I received someone's unsolicited "thoughts" and needed opinions about myself and/or my husband. This is where things become tricky, because as a wife I am inclined to want to defend and immediately respond on behalf of my spouse, even jump at the chance to throw back some harsh words of my own! And somehow I have found that people in their good or sometimes hidden intentions don't think I may be hurt at all.

But if I do react naturally...how will that affect not just me, but the ministry, this position that God has placed me in at this time? My words no longer become my own and my actions are easily a reflection on everything other than a simple wife hurt by intentional or unintentional offenses.

So naturally I wanted to internalize it. Smile...brush it off...right? Instead I began to become bitter - even angry. Not the anger where you can yell and blow off steam, that anger that sits deep in the heart and sprouts roots that attach to your heart strings. The anger that when you see someone you intentionally walk up to them so that you can provoke and bully them emotionally through passive aggressiveness or unspoken gestures. And that began to concern me - because I've had anger like that before and it takes much more than prayer to handle and remove its clutches. So then how do you handle it? Truthfully, because I know as a wife that is one of the most difficult situations when you are a listening and supportive ear - but the information and criticism is about the person you dearly love...and in ministry it can cause an even more awkward situation as your job is to support, to listen, and to encourage healthy change.

So how do you handle it - I ask you. During time with the Lord over many tears and prayers, I had a moment of clarity.

What is the end result?

At the end of this offense what was I hoping to gain or lose? What would I allow it to do in terms of shaping my character positively or negatively... and even more so was I desiring to reconcile at the end. Because it feels justified to stay offended, you don't have to work at anything or than embracing and sitting in your emotions. But it takes work and even losing relationships sometimes to reconcile and move forward desiring to not be held back by the hurt of others' words or actions. 

DO I WANT TO RECONCILE? 

At the end of the day am I willing to forgive and not hold onto something that will only damage my desire to be closer to Christ and to remember that we are all still flesh and blood? During this season I have begun to ask myself in every instance what is my ultimate desire. Whether it feels right or the timing isn't when I want it...am I desiring to reconcile so that I can draw closer to those things that I know God wants to grow in me. A joy that surpasses understanding and remembers that I am a reflection of brokenness that was saved by grace and who am I to not continue to share that grace in my daily life. No this doesn't negate wisdom in how I interact and handle harsh words or hurtful situations, but it does begin to free my heart and mind to take it all in stride. 

The First Week Back

There are so many mixed emotions as I've returned back to work this past week. It's been a roller coaster emotionally that I've been able to keep to myself between the hours of 9:00am - 4:30pm, but prior to that and after I'm a mess. I don't share that in a cry for sympathy as much as I just need to write it and read it back to myself. Reassure myself that it's completely okay to not want to return to work and know that something has to change. I've been at this place before, actually three years ago when Kai was born and I swore to myself that I needed to be home with him. It didn't happen.

However, as I've anticipated returning to work I've been faced with a question that I leave unanswered in hopes that it will just "figure itself out." I mean who can truly answer what they want to do with their life? Well many people can, I've just been in the category of those that cannot pinpoint exactly what they want. Because how can one have what they love beautifully collide with a way of living? So when I'm asked I feel stuck and then too easily discouraged. Thinking that there are only a select few in life that really can do what they love and not live in a cardboard box.

So I started soul searching while on maternity leave this time around instead of starting a business, trying to make things work, and measuring/calculating a strategy of "success." Because what I love I can't say would bring monetary success, or at least I couldn't see it that way. Over a year ago I started, but never fully finished a book from a bible study I briefly attended. So I picked it back up, because I've got nothing to lose. In conjunction with that I had started the two books I shared in a previous post. Note to self: finish what you started...there is something so freeing about that. So in the process of actually sitting and writing down my roles, hopes for each of them, and what I really want my life to tell and say - I realized several things.

1. I can do FIVE things well, and they all impact making who I am a better person.
2. You don't have to work to live forever, but you do have to work at whatever it is.
3. What I really want isn't just to be home with my kids, but it most certainly is a driving force.

Though there are so many other things I'm taking in right now. I've found that as difficult as re-entering this season of working I know it doesn't have to be forever. Setting goals is going to be key to getting to where I want to be - which completely goes against my normal let's see where life takes me type of attitude. So that is what must be done now. Making lists and checking them off. Staying accountable, which is easier said than done... and most importantly NOT QUITTING (whew I said it out loud).

Not just reading and blogging...but applying. The first week back at work has been tough, I miss my boys terribly and the adjustment feels like torture. BUT it's not impossible and in the words of Oh from the movie Home "we haves hope."

Life Thoughts: Hello 29!

Tuesday I woke up quite early (of course to nurse) and while scrolling through my Facebook I realized that it was...my birthday. I remember briefly reminding myself over the weekend, but I guess it's okay to forget sometimes ha! I didn't have an extravagant birthday, nor did I really feel the need for one. Instead I really wanted to prioritize and make sure that the goals I've been setting for myself as of lately I actual accomplish...because it's great to set goals (I'm good at it) but follow through isn't always as pleasant as I would like it. Mike is still traveling so I've been beyond blessed to have my parents helping me keep it together while he is gone.

Aside from still adjusting to two little ones - I've really wanted this year to be different for me. Right before Mike left there is a local free bin of books and I found this Dave Ramsey's book! It has been one of the best reads I have had in some time, so much that I've been emailing Mike while he is away about how much I've been soaking in. I mean it really is a great read, honestly an impacting read. I've enjoyed reading it so much I went and bought this book as well to really help with my blog. I've wanted to read Blog Inc. for some time now and finally buckled down to do it. I can't wait to finish both of them and add more books to the list this year!

What are you currently reading? I'm hoping to find another good read for the Fall.

Motherhood: A Sense of Freedom

The other day I walked around Target and nursed...I had a cover which I prefer to use, but it felt natural. I remember hiding in a bathroom many a time with Kai, nursing him and feeling so uncomfortable not because of breastfeeding, but because it seemed to make others uncomfortable. Even as we strolled around the store the other day I had a few stares and a father even moved his child away from where we were, but honestly I didn't care too much. For once I felt comfortable as a mother and in my own skin to not think twice and take care of my  little one (because in this motherhood journey it's easy to think of what others may say and or think about how you mother...am I right?). There is a sense of freedom and easiness as I realize who I want to be as my kids' mother and the tangible way I live my life that I know they will emulate themselves.

I'm not a huge advocate for not wearing a cover or at least positioning your clothes to be covered (I don't like to show my boobs anyways...at home it's a different story), but I am always amazed at how much we as mothers will adjust to make those around us feel more at ease when it comes to breast feeding publicly. Though I carry a bottle with me of pumped milk, I still hate having to use it (liquid gold is a labor of love). Maybe by nature we want to create an environment that is welcoming, because as women we do that well... I don't know, but I'm so glad I made sure first Titus had the best environment snuggled and nursing that day. I felt empowered putting him first, the same way I often do when I make sure Kai is taken care of before anything else. Seems to bring me the most joy.

I look forward to more moments that pave this type of motherhood for me. Whether nursing or standing up to the bully on the playground, I think that's the best type of mom and woman I can be for myself and for them.

Motherhood: Redemption [Part I]

I was in that place again..that one where I felt overwhelmed, alone, and ready to quit. I remember sitting with Mike one night and telling him I was okay with walking away from it all and this life. As difficult as it was to say I found myself trying to be as confident and nonchalant in my words, because I was so assured that there was nothing else to look forward to. Was I disregarding my role as a mother and wife? Or just being selfish as Mike looked into my eyes and told me how could I only think of myself? But you can't explain irrationality to a rational heart when it feels like darkness is all around you. Someone once shared with me that it's hard to deal with darkness, because it's sticky - when you think you've cleaned off one area you find it somewhere else...and I found my mind so clouded with stickiness nothing could eradicate its existence.

This dark cloud hadn't made such a presence in many years, to say I was prepared would be fooling myself and those who know me best. Dealing with seasons of depression were behind me I chanted - I've dealt and moved on. What brought it on... I couldn't pin point it. I sat in my quiet thoughts one night as I had started feeling the physical effects of this storm cloud and found myself sick often for several weeks. Fighting between plans and logic of letting go and what I know to be truth in God's word - truth in my own life.

We had tried for months to have another child with no success, I took it as a sign and when the nurse told me I wasn't expecting I knew for sure laying with eyes closed that I didn't need to keep pushing on in this manner. A storm, a body failing with no real medical reason, and most of all the weight of work was most definitely a recipe for me to stay in bed with covers over my head to hide my angry and worn tears... then you appeared. Right as I told myself if I'm not pregnant then I can let this storm overtake me and I won't fight this time. I'm tired...

No free spirit desires to be caged or confined...having their wings clipped by life's circumstances knowing that there is so much more to this life. to my life.

Truth is there has been a deep redemption in these last several months as I await your arrival. Just as your brother caused me to look long and hard in the mirror as a 25 year old naive young woman, you now cause me to do the same - but with eyes opened in a way that has ground against those inner parts I didn't know were hidden (even from myself).

to be continued...

Motherhood: When Things Collide

Hello friend. I know it has been quite some time and I wish I could say that despite feeling as though I ended 2014 on a wing and a prayer that I haven't felt like I've begun this year chanting "You CAN do hard things" either. Instead I feel like this picture of my shirt holding on for dear life... However, as from the last few posts I wrote we started the year off with another baby! Can you believe we are on #2?!? Some days I can't fathom the fact that we are going to have two kids - because sometimes I still can't believe that we have one already...who by the way is running the show.

But despite kicking off the new year and taking time away to refocus and honestly clear my mind - it sure does seem that I am finally facing what I can't get away from. The paradigm between motherhood and working full-time outside of my home. Truthfully I stopped writing not because I didn't want to, but because I did my best to shave off any extracurricular activities that didn't seem to help me stay on task. Already fighting my constant desire to be my personal best and that little nagging reminder of what I think should be perfect didn't gel very well with my myriad of heart's desires. So one by one in the name of prioritizing I scratched off all the things that didn't include motherhood, ministry, and work. Anything additional fit into a timed activity that I could either squeeze in during nap-time or when everyone else is occupied and I don't end up feeling guilty... but it hasn't worked ha!

Sincerely to my surprise as I write this I realize that I've never felt so empty and disconnected from myself. Even with the best of intentions to focus, I find myself just as overwhelmed and even more frustrated that the very thing I've been trying to avoid is staring right me eye to eye. I'm not sure why there is so much fear to just say it. I know being ambiguous has never been a strength of mine, but as I sit and process the last few months speaking this truth about myself creates so much anxiety...but here it goes.

I choose being a mother over my job...
            ...and it kills me because I can't help but interpret that as I am a horrible employee. I love the work I do, I believe in it, but I believe in the impact of mothering my children and giving my home the best without any outside competition. I believe in chasing my dreams and not working out of fear that we won't stay financially stable... I believe in sitting with young girls as they figure out their relationship with God and walking alongside my husband in our ministry... I look at people who have spent their whole lives working towards financial stability and never truly enjoying their lives or all that they've worked for.

So what next? Because my circumstances are not changing...maybe my ratio of fear and courage are.

Life Thoughts: Pep Talks

This past Sunday I had a student share with me how she didn't want to continue in participating in the fine arts youth drama, because she felt like it was "too hard." While I held her as she cried and did my best to encourage her, I couldn't help but stop and cup her face in my hands. I looked her in the eyes and told her - "YOU. CAN. DO. HARD. THINGS." Everything inside of me truly meant it as I affirmed the gifts I've seen in her and was surprised at how much her head and heart have been filled with this unspoken depth of doubt... she left undecided but I repeated those words to her, because they were true.

Later that evening I told Mike what happened and I mulled the words over in my head. This time last year I was prepping myself with goals for the new year and what I hoped to accomplish. I shared my one little word of stewardship in this post - truly hoping to focus and grow. As I saw others preparing their word for 2015, I really couldn't narrow down one thing in particular. Sure I want to grow, I would love to show more grace, and be determined or disciplined in the tasks I set before myself...but it just didn't feel right, you know? This past year really was about stewardship in my relationships, with my job, as a mother...but this year I really wasn't sure.

2014 had many great moments, but boy was it challenging. So many hard things came throughout the year and I found myself feeling just like the student I recently was comforting - crying (sobbing many times), unsure, doubtful, and afraid to even face the things in front of me. We've all had seasons where it's just hard. You wake up and it's hard...you go to sleep and it feels even harder as you recall the events of the day. I'm not often a quitter, but I was ready. Then it clicked.

YOU. CAN. DO. HARD. THINGS.

It's not necessarily something flashy or a mantra that I want on a shirt...but rather a reality I needed to speak and face in my own life. Some of my greatest moments have come from deep hardships and it's easy to forget the trial when you finally get to see the victory at the end. Not every day I will feel it can be done, but the truth is it really can. Some things take time, but not everything is impossible (truthfully most things aren't - except maybe getting Kai to stay asleep in his own bed...). So whatever your challenge or word for this year is - I hope you attach this to it. I hope you wake up and even on your most depressing day you see it can be done. 

It's going to be a great week friend.

Farewell 2014

So much has happened in the last month that though I've sat and written down my thoughts, I just haven't found a way to publish some posts. This year has been full of great laughs and deep heart aches. 2014 you taught me many things: how to forgive, to love without conditions, and to embrace myself more and more daily... but most of all the unfailing grace and faithfulness of God. Thank you so much for spending and sharing this small space with me. I'm looking forward to many great things in 2015 and especially more time here with you!

Be safe and enjoy bringing in the New Year friend.

Our Nest: Here Comes Big Kid!

For the last several weeks I've had this slight nudging to take the big comfy chair out of Kai's room and replace it with a space of his own. This chair has been in his nursery since he was born and has soothed us both during late night nursing and sick days. I love this chair, but lately Kai has been putting himself to sleep as well as needing less time to snuggle.

Sometimes as parents we want to hold tightly with the excuse that we know what's best... and as much as I cling to that I knew that it was time for a change. Kai has always had an independent spunk to him and I've had to learn to be okay with letting him spread his wings despite my motherly fears.

So with the help of my sister and a few items she had kept from her boys, I replaced the chair with a table and a small reading chair for him.

Last night we colored (his new favorite thing) and did a few puzzles before bedtime. Of course we still read a story and went to the potty!! Because if your toddler initiates using the potty you celebrate any chance you get ha! But the space is perfect for him and so much better used than my favorite chair.

As I continue to watch him grow I'm constantly walking the tight rope of watching him spread his wings and be his safety net, but I don't want to miss these transitions and help him embrace healthy change. So as I celebrate his new space and this next phase of toddlerhood - I hope you enjoy whatever stage you're in with your little and are encouraged to walk with me side by side... cause this parenting thing is tough!