Motherhood: This is hard...

The last few weeks have been hard. I mean lost sleep, way too much yelling, and tears after bedtime hard. I lost my cool so many times I can't count and all of me would like to hide under my sheets until I can pull myself together. Sometimes this parenting thing really throws you some curveballs and you can't dodge or catch them fast enough. 

 

Last week Mike and I sat down and spoke with Kai's teacher and the PreK director in regards to preparing him for Kindergarten. There were concerns about his ability to self regulate and if he may be too young to really adjust to the structure of the actual classroom setting. Truthfully the feedback was helpful, though my momma heart was so torn and broken as I felt I missed the mark. I kept thinking how did I not see this? Have I been too lenient and passive? What do I do now? And I beat myself up. Blaming what I felt was a stamp or label (which it was not) on our son....and my job as his mom. I cried. I ugly cried. Did I say I cried?

Everything inside of me wanted to quit motherhood for the next several days. But I knew I needed to really get my head straight and see what was what. When you hear "negative" or unpleasant things especially about your children it can overshadow any truth. All of the sudden you think it's ALL bad and it's ALL over, when it's probably not. So I took a mental break and this past weekend I did some rearranging. I received several helpful tips to better prepare myself and Kai for next year along with developing a structure and expectations that are conducive without overwhelming him at home (I'd love to share my 3 favorites):

 

1. Get Creative in Learning your kid's learning style: Though every child learns differently, knowing how your child learns makes you a stronger advocate. You can share and provide tips when working with your child's teacher. It's great to know and verbalize your kid's needs, because they are one of many in a class (not bad, just reality). Trying flash cards, art projects, interactive apps, videos, and games help you gauge what your child leans towards in comprehending content. I'm noticing that Kai does very well with all of those and I'm still learning more!
2. Have a learning time in your schedule: It's okay to carve a specific time in your day and/or week that's dedicated to learning and academic growth. I have shied away from this in efforts to not "overwhelm Kai," but he has eaten up our 10-15 minutes a day of skill work. We started off with 5-7 minutes as his attention span was a concern and are close to 10-15 now! I time it as I know he will be required to maintain focus for that long with a few breaks in between.
3. Find Resources!: From Pinterest to Target and even ALDI I've found awesome skill workbooks and ideas that have been so helpful. It has also taken the pressure off of having to come up with it all. I will be sharing my favorites soon! 

In my fear and lack of knowledge in how to engage Kai academically I almost missed a new side of connecting with him. I'm really grateful that asking other moms, educators, and being able to see the recommendations for him from the school have turned into a positive situation for all of us. Wish us well as I navigate this with him. He is so bright and amazing I want him to always know that.

Devotional: Seasoned with Salt

Scripture: Matthew 5: 13-16 MSG
"Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You've lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage."

Though I'm not a professional chef, I am a proud connoisseur of food. In other words I love to eat, so therefore I've learned to embrace cooking. Early on in our first year of marriage, Mike came to realize that I wasn't one to whip up meals in the kitchen and there were lots of trial and error dinners (and late night runs to pick up some fast food). My biggest problem I quickly learned was I rarely tasted my food before serving it. I know, I know that's a huge mistake. For some reason I figured I could just eyeball the seasonings and it would turn out fine...I was wrong. Your palate and tastebuds are a tremendous part of cooking (just in case you didn't know). There is nothing like tasting a lack luster meal or an overly salty and saturated one. Either one can ruin it for you.

So it's no wonder why this infamous scripture spoke to me in the midst of all the words, Facebook posts, and endless debates going on lately. Because we all, yes ALL of us, want to be heard. Especially in the name of not being classified or misnomered in this age of labels and identifiers. We all in some way do not want anyone to speak on our behalf, and there isn't anything wrong with that. Words, thoughts, and ideas so easily get lost in translation in the midst of fingers violently typing and conveying a message that is meant for our mouths and our actions. The internet's fiberoptic cables have jaded our eyes to reality. Our emotional and mental tastebuds haven't felt the authenticity of what life and true conversations have to offer in quite some time...and that's the significance of being referenced as salt. You know the taste of a well flavored meal.

Salt is a common ingredient we all have used, more importantly it has so many uses. Nothing can replace salt, that's the truth. Historically and presently being used to preserve meat, an antiseptic in medicine, and bring flavor; salt is a vital spice to life! However, as Christ followers we can see a verse like this and immediately sprinkle our salt and ideas to the point of distaste. You don't think that's possible? Ever been around a fellow Christian or someone who wears that label, and after talking you feel discouraged and turned off? I know that I have and I know there have been moments where I've been that person. Pouring my precious salt in the "name of Christ" only to turn someone away. I hadn't portioned what could bring out God-flavoring in the situation, but rather my own selfish desire to be heard or seen as "Christian" enough overshadowed an opportunity.

Read the verse once again and take a moment to taste the bitterness of an excessive amount of salt. That's what we are called NOT to be. In other scriptures we are urged to let our speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt (Colossians 4:6), with the key word being seasoned. That implies tact, control, and portion. I'm so challenged as I'm prone to allow my words to flippantly chastise, control a situation, and trample on the voices and emotions of others...causing a much saltier  and damaging situation. 

But take hope! As we cook up delicious meals in our conversations and situations with friends, family, our kids, and especially online may we season each with salt. Being careful to know the power of Christ entrusted with grace in our lives that we should urgently share with others. Taking time to prayerfully seek God's hand rather than our own when we pick up scripture, wisdom, and words to bring out the God-flavoring in our world. Leaving a situation seasoned rather than salty is the best we can offer today. So friend before we post may we imagine our words as rather a pinch of salt or a dose of disastrous distaste in the making. Valuing the opportunity we have to not fight to be heard, but fight to allow God to bring about His glory in us AND those involved. May we be the sprinkle chefs in our communities, knowing what we hold is so precious and so vital!

I love what I recently read on a post from Jen Hatmaker and I couldn't have said it any better. May you be encouraged and challenged as well friend!

"Sisters, don't spend your energy spitting into the wind to win over people who will not be won. Don't say passive aggressive things to take jabs at critics who may or may not even be listening. Stop having arguments in your head, however much you may be wining them. Drop it. Drop it all. 

Speak to the highest level of your best people. Send it out like you want it returned: love, grace, courage, encouragement, kindness, humility. Do not give in to the lowest common denominator. Speak words of life, because that is the very thing that will save us."

Marriage: Learning this side of Us

 

The best marriage advice I received was early on: "relationships are like a dance, to grow you have to learn and adjust your steps." Every season is like a new song, sometimes you can move with ease or your partner can. Other moments you both seem to have left feet and desperately need some aid on the dance floor. Regardless of the song, when you've found someone you want to keep dancing with you figure it out along the way. 

For the last two years we've been in a season of a lot of new steps and many forgotten ones that I've had to relearn. As much as I love watching other couples, my biggest "couple goals" have always been my own...but it hasn't been easy. After coming alongside my husband in ministry, many areas that we had suppressed, ignored, and put a do not disturb sign on came full force in our faces. Going from seeing each other for maybe three hours total (working two different jobs and schedules) to now being side by side almost the full 24...it's been a serious adjustment! 

 

These last two years of our marriage have been unique as our love and commitment have required far more actions than words. When the arguments have gotten ugly and the space between us has felt like a thousand miles emotionally - my heart's intentions had to step up their game. Nothing is solved in a day, but as we learn, grow, and mend some broken areas I've noticed 3 changes we've made in this new dance:

1. Acknowledging where things are at: Because it's better to feel the sting of truth rather than the heartbreak of a lie. Though we can laugh now, we couldn't a few months ago when we both realized "this should be a safe place, but it's not." Processing that we both were on edge in the majority of our conversations always caused a sense of walking on eggshells. Truth was somewhere a hurt or offense began to crack our safe haven between us. Before we knew it everything was heard, seen, and felt through a distorted lense. Acknowledging and speaking truth to one another has rebuilt simple trust in our communication and safety...it's a daily practice I know we must stay committed to.

2. Make the time: It's the kids. It's your job. I'm tired...we all know the excuses, so we don't have to make the time. Saying yes to everything and everyone else made it so easy for me to say no to Mike and vice versa. Time is precious and the best way it's spent is cultivating your most important relationships. Understanding that all really good things take time...your time. Push yourself to make the effort if you want it to work. So making time to spend without kids, making time to find areas of interest, making time to have sex (indeed - that as well), all of those things are so vital for both of us. As we've made it a priority my radar can sense now when we haven't... which is a good thing. 

3. Identify and Practice ONE area of common ground: If Mike were writing this it would be sex haha. And truth is if that's your starting point in your marriage to help things get back in place, then by all means go for it! But in all seriousness for us it's prayer. Our own spiritual walks are what brought us together and it's our strongest common ground - our love for Jesus Christ. So we start there, and it doesn't always look like long devotionals or time spent on our knees praying. It's looked like conversations about podcasts, articles, a book we read together, or even what God may be sharing with us personally. Intentionally talking about something we both enjoy starts to open doors for us to talk about other things. Like the days when you could talk on the phone for hours...remember those? Yeah, I don't remember what we talked about at all, but I can recall the feeling of not wanting it to end. Practicing and finding something you both can do reminds you that you both actually like each other before this season. For us it's unveiled areas we didn't realize were a common ground! But practice is so key.

Though not everyone believes in soulmates, I do believe that when you choose to dance and take a journey alongside someone else you mean it. You choose that person, because it makes sense in more areas of your life than you can count. In our truthful moments we've both wanted to quit and walk off the dance floor...it's not been easy, but intentionally changing has become easier as we practice it. 

I pray whether it's your best season or worst while you step on each other's toes that you're encouraged and try at least one of these three for yourself. All good things are worth trying and I'm a firm believer that this is worth trying. 

Motherhood: A Variety of Friends

I'm completely convinced that you need a solid group of friends that help you maintain your sanity...especially as a mom. I don't think I can count the number of times I've almost lost my crap only to be reminded that it's just a season, it's okay to yell, your kids won't die (not today), and you're freakin awesome at this mom thing. 

But I think the mistake many moms, including myself make once we step into motherhood is feeling like ALL my friends need to be moms too now. Because no one gets you like another mother...right? In many ways there's truth to that, but ever find yourself cutting really great friendships off simply because they don't seem to "fit" anymore? Shamefully I raise my hand, as I've felt bad cancelling, not wanting to clean my house haha, or just not sure what to talk about with my "no kids" friends. 

Over time, I've found a good balance and thanked those that have embraced my crazy boys while trying to have an adult conversation or excused my mess as someone just pooped in the wrong place or farts in their face (life with boys)... It's been nice to find how my variety of friends have kept all sides of my personality and life alive with the friendship I enjoy from each of them. As I sat and read other blogs about the top friends you need to survive I've made my own list! I'd love to know if you agree too.

1. The Veteran Mom Friend: This is the mom who has at least one more kid than you or older kids. They're the ones who remind you dirt is edible, don't fuss over everything, and you'll survive this stage of tantrums. They provide wisdom and encourage you to give yourself a very healthy dose of grace when you feel like you're missing the mark. This is the mom that is also you're go-to mobile pediatrician when you need to triage a situation.

2. The Trendsetter Friend: They are traveling, staying up passed 9:30PM, and have the best stories that keep you not so "momish." The friend who you can chat away with at whatever you're binge watching and remind yourself that you're still you even though motherhood is very much a part of your life now. This friend nudges you to take a few risks every now and then along with keeping you dreaming as well. Also you can sometimes vicariously live through their season and still get sufficient sleep!

3. The Fellow Mom Friend: You're both moms with kids around the same age. You can cry, laugh, and talk about all things motherhood without feeling like it's "too much mom talk." This is the friend that gets you in your season, doesn't care what your house looks like, and laughs when you both have stained shirts when you hang out. The one who will take your kids, change their diapers, and let's you in on a shared motherhood experience. This mom has a special bond and a sense of vulnerability that you both connect with. 

4. The Take Care of You Friend: Every mom needs this friend. A friend or friends that usually don't have kids, but love yours like your own. Yet they have a healthy dose of boundaries to keep in check that you need you time! They're the ones that help you take breaks and are great for adult conversation sans kids. The ones that hound you until you schedule a simple dinner date or hangout to replenish your soul. You always leave feeling better after your time together. 

These are just a few, because I know that we all get to enjoy this motherhood journey in a unique and special way. From my veteran moms to my trendsetter friends I love the mix that's in my life. They all touch on the myriad of pieces that make up who I am and keep me sane when I need it most. I hope your community is as diverse and full as I've been able to enjoy. Motherhood and womanhood is all about your tribe...make it an incredible one friend.

Farewell 2016!

Imagining what this year would look like as I do every year, I have to say I didn't expect many of the things that occurred. That's not to say it was a horrible year, because quite frankly so many great lessons were learned through what felt like horrible situations. Growth is never easy, but looking back I'm grateful for every bump in the road I encountered thus far.

The last few years I've done either a main goal for the year or even a one little word to keep my focus. Anticipating a theme for the year I realize is better than just walking blindly hoping that things just "turn out well." So with that said, I don't want to just share what's been on my heart, without providing the three lessons that helped me get there! So without further adieu, my top 3 lessons of 2016 have been:

1. In the BIG scheme of life... is this important? | Majority of the time the answer has been "no" which causes me to have to emotionally check myself as well as my intentions and priorities. It's helped me not lose sight so much of what I hope to accomplish in this season of life.
2. Don't just acknowledge your flaws, do something about them! | I've had to take a long hard look at myself in the mirror more than once this year. Accepting and changing areas of my life that I know don't help me have NOT been easy. Knowing I can be lazy, forgetful, easily irritable, and a quitter make me want to run and hide - but changing them have only made me stronger.
3. Have an attitude of gratefulness and positivity | Being prone to "Negativity Nancy" syndrome is no fun, and this year I refused to stay upset and frustrated over every little thing. I'm BEYOND blessed and I don't say that boastfully, I truly say that with a humble heart. Because every need my family has is met (honestly exceedingly) and to complain and fuss takes away from that focus. Changing my perspective has helped so much in enjoying my life in the present and what's to come in the future.

So finally, to step into 2017 my goal of this year is more of a character development goal. This is something I want to become rather than just do. My BE goal for 2017 is:

I don't want to list a ton of goals or strive for greater things as I've found in the majority of my bumps in the road have come from my own lack of consistency. I start and stop. To move forward and be where I want to this time next year, I know this is what's most important. I pray and hope that you too have found your focus for the new year friend! Be safe and enjoy yourself. See you in 2017!

In this Season: Strength in Wisdom

Ever have a "go to" person for advice? A phenomenal sounding board that just understands, is wise, brutally honest when necessary? If you do you're beyond blessed (and I'm sure you know it). That person for me has always been my mom. I respect her on so many levels it's beyond words sometimes. She truly is a tangible example of grace and truth in my life that I can only hope to be for my own kids.

 

It's been challenging in this season of my life where I've felt that nudge from God to stand on my own two spiritual feet and exercise the wisdom growing inside me. It's downright nerve wrecking when I look over the edge into what seems like a raging ocean of life's situations and I can't imagine walking out into the storm. What if I fall? What if this overtakes me? Do I even know what to say or do? The mental flood of questions and self analysis can be just as bad if not worse than the situation sometimes. In the moments I've wanted to breakdown, give up, or run and hide I've been pushed just a little more to step into wisdom's haven.

That's looked a lot more like not seeking so much advice from everywhere else, but rather becoming still and quiet to hear what I need to do. And that's not easy for me, who is prone to second-guessing and doubting myself. It's taken so much more time spent in prayer and feeding my spirit rather than my emotions. Becoming comfortable with my voice and discernment, seeing that I'm much stronger and healthier than I realize in Christ. But it's felt so great to see the strength in walking in wisdom...because when my heart and emotions are confused wisdom isn't. 

Recently I felt like my heart was torn in a ministry situation. I wanted all the advice in the world to soothe what I felt had broken a piece of my spirit. Then I wanted to lash out and even manipulate things out of fear that the "truth" would not prevail. But I kept hearing in my spirit to be still and silent...to apologize and step back. Not at all the words or actions I deemed necessary! Though my emotions clouded my judgment, because of the strength of wisdom I didn't have to walk through the situation as I could have. Even in the moments where it felt like things were getting worse...I've stayed as still as possible. 

I've been finding that wisdom is a lot more being still and waiting than anything else...but there's strength in meekness and humility- which my proud heart continues to see. Real, genuine, unwavering strength...

In this Season: The pursuit of identity

"Don't forget who you are and who's you are..."

Recently hearing that has made me think more and more about identity. I've always had a deep call and love for young women and reminding them of their value and true self. That's been apart of my fiber even when I didn't know much of who I was or felt like I belonged anywhere or to anyone...even God. Never finding solace in cutting or drinking or being the "best" Christian possible allowed me to answer and know who and who's I am. Seems cliche, but there is so much truth in what I just wrote. So much honesty in seeking in others what can only be found in one place. 

I had an incredible conversation with a young lady recently that caused me to share this antidote with a deeper understanding. Because whether we acknowledge it or not, we are constantly trying to answer, remind, connect, and find security in who and who's we are. Especially as women. Experiencing this all of our lives. Sometimes we call it wearing many hats or labels or providing some eloquent list of complexities that describe what you think you are...not so much who.

 See, who gets mixed up with what too often. As women we claim our what we do as who we are and find ourselves buried under labels of deeds and works that can't quite quench that insatiable appetite of busyness, work, competition with others...desire of perfection. It's messy and exhausting! What is the hamster wheel, going full speed with no end in sight. It's easy to say what I am, because we're condition to associate those deeds with who we are.

But it's not even comparable if we stopped and put the laundry list of deeds down. Because WHO you are can only be defined by WHO's you are. And truth is the only one who knows who you are, is the one who intricately made you. With the intent and desire for you to see that who you are is what opens the doors for the what you want to become. Who you are brings the peace and unexplainable joy that allows you to make the decisions on what to do. Who's you are separates and propels you to do what it is that's your purpose. Who is sustainable while what is transient and interchangeable. 

More and more I see why identity is so easily attacked and pursued...because when you know your who, the what becomes easy. I've been spending more time figuring out who I am, as I've so desired to get to what I want. These are some scriptures I've begun studying on my own as daily reminders. I hope they're encouraging to you as well friend.

In Christ, I am forgiven (Eph. 1:7).

In Christ, I am set free from condemnation and shame (Rom. 8:1).

In Christ, I am born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead (1 Peter 1:3).

In Christ, I am renewed in the spirit of my mind ( Eph. 4:21–24).

In Christ, I am rooted and grounded in love (Eph. 3:17-19).

In Christ, I am able to forgive others as I have been forgiven (Col. 3:12-14

In Christ, I am His workmanship created in Christ Jesus and prepared for good works He has planned for me (Eph. 2:10

In Christ, I am a new creation; the old me has been stripped away (2 Cor. 5:17–18).

In Christ, I am created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness (Eph. 4:24).

In Christ, I am able to live the victorious life He has provided for me (1 Cor. 15:57).

In Christ, you are redeemed, whole, loved, cherished, and made new. He has great plans according to His will for your life... know who you are and who's, so you can be what you've been called to be. 

Approaching 30 [part one]

I can't believe that I'll be turning 30 this month. It literally feels as though I just started to live, figure myself out, and plant my feet. So much has gone through my mind as I see where I am today versus where I've been in the journey of my twenties. The richness of my life as I've begun to see it now, came from the last several years of being planted so deeply in the soil it felt suffocating, isolating, lonely, and broken. 

As I've spent time in prayer, I was never quite sure of the "perfect" time to share this particular season of my life. Being healthy and emotionally strong enough to put into print those things that initially caused my heart shame and my soul to grieve have been bathed in grace and so much forgiveness of myself and others. But there truly is no time like the present. To keep stalling out of fear has only caused doubt and insecurity, which I desire less of in my life.

My 20's were a season spent feeling like I had lost myself and not in a good way. My desire to be loved and wanted caused me to end up in an emotionally and physically unhealthy relationship with someone I trusted beyond myself and was a mentor in my life. For almost six years I pushed aside my family, became incredibly depressed, and resorted to self-harm as a way to cope with my dependence on that relationship. I was so enmeshed in who they were that I completely forgot who I was. 

For years I blamed myself. I was angry at how I could allow someone like me to be manipulated, isolated, and shamed. I thought I was strong.

 I had never felt so broken in my life...

To trust someone and have it broken is a very hard thing. To believe in someone over yourself is a very unhealthy position to be in. I clung on his words as truth for myself and it led down a path I don't wish on anyone. Looking over my shoulder constantly, envying others daily, wishing if I did "more," compromised more, that he would love me "more" was my cycle. I never thought it would end..and if it did it was my fault.

To express this so vulnerably is difficult, but I know I'm not the only one. And I know that season was not for nothing. 

So how did it end? Well in the most abrupt way possible - he was removed. Sure you're wondering, well where the heck where you...and I would share, at my church. Then you would probably say something like "see that's why churches are horrible." And I would smile, because I learned so much in that season...most importantly to fix my eyes on Jesus and no one else.

See I grew real roots. Not the ones I thought I had just because I went to church, I served at church, I "grew up" at church. When I look at my scars (which still exist on my body), I see a great big God who didn't leave me nor forsake me. That loved me and was desperately wanting me to see I could love myself.

A fuel was lit inside my soul as time passed that I would be an advocate and I would learn what it truly meant to mentor and support others. I would realize that I already had everything I needed to excel in this life. That the words of others cannot satisfy me like living in real, genuine, authentic purpose...

More importantly I learned to begin to deal with shame, misplaced doubt, and to not carry a burden that wasn't mine. To forgive for my sake alone, and to put into perspective that no man is better than another. Most importantly to love myself will always be the greatest gift I can give to me and those around me. 

In hindsight those were my days of grounding...preparing me for this new season where I feel my footing is unsure. I'm nervous and hopeful for 30, I truly feel I don't need to hide anymore.

Natural Hair Story: Two Years In

It is coming up on two years since I wrote this post about shaving my hair and diving into my natural hair journey, because it definitely is a journey! I seriously couldn't be happier with my decision despite all of the transitions I've had and the learning process of having natural hair.

The really journey has been loving and understanding myself through the process. It's been such a challenge in realizing how uncomfortable I had been with myself and how I look. Acknowledging that the real qualities I'm most proud of really have nothing to do with my outer appearance. Also I've loved seeing my hair without a relaxer. The management some days is easier, others can be well...interesting to say the least. BUT I definitely would change it for anything. It's been healthy emotionally and mentally for me being natural. I can't wait for what the next year brings.