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It seems that over time it has become easier and easier to settle for being offended, especially in church. Honestly the percentage of those who walk away from their congregation due to being offended, most likely supersedes any other reason. Countless times I have sat and talked with members who are simply hurt from gossip, misconstrued situations, and down right petty "I just don't like you" issues at the heart of things. Yet I rarely see a desire and push to resolve or reconcile when an offense has occurred...and I have to wonder why.
It has taken me some time to write about this topic - to put it simply: because it is a raw issue I encounter more and more as a pastor's wife. As if this has become the "season of the offended" - and the most offended has been me. From harsh words spoken about my husband to me or judgments that felt too casually passed on decisions that we've prayed and executed personally and within the realms of ministry. I used to think I had tough skin, until I received someone's unsolicited "thoughts" and needed opinions about myself and/or my husband. This is where things become tricky, because as a wife I am inclined to want to defend and immediately respond on behalf of my spouse, even jump at the chance to throw back some harsh words of my own! And somehow I have found that people in their good or sometimes hidden intentions don't think I may be hurt at all.
But if I do react naturally...how will that affect not just me, but the ministry, this position that God has placed me in at this time? My words no longer become my own and my actions are easily a reflection on everything other than a simple wife hurt by intentional or unintentional offenses.
So naturally I wanted to internalize it. Smile...brush it off...right? Instead I began to become bitter - even angry. Not the anger where you can yell and blow off steam, that anger that sits deep in the heart and sprouts roots that attach to your heart strings. The anger that when you see someone you intentionally walk up to them so that you can provoke and bully them emotionally through passive aggressiveness or unspoken gestures. And that began to concern me - because I've had anger like that before and it takes much more than prayer to handle and remove its clutches. So then how do you handle it? Truthfully, because I know as a wife that is one of the most difficult situations when you are a listening and supportive ear - but the information and criticism is about the person you dearly love...and in ministry it can cause an even more awkward situation as your job is to support, to listen, and to encourage healthy change.
So how do you handle it - I ask you. During time with the Lord over many tears and prayers, I had a moment of clarity.
But if I do react naturally...how will that affect not just me, but the ministry, this position that God has placed me in at this time? My words no longer become my own and my actions are easily a reflection on everything other than a simple wife hurt by intentional or unintentional offenses.
So naturally I wanted to internalize it. Smile...brush it off...right? Instead I began to become bitter - even angry. Not the anger where you can yell and blow off steam, that anger that sits deep in the heart and sprouts roots that attach to your heart strings. The anger that when you see someone you intentionally walk up to them so that you can provoke and bully them emotionally through passive aggressiveness or unspoken gestures. And that began to concern me - because I've had anger like that before and it takes much more than prayer to handle and remove its clutches. So then how do you handle it? Truthfully, because I know as a wife that is one of the most difficult situations when you are a listening and supportive ear - but the information and criticism is about the person you dearly love...and in ministry it can cause an even more awkward situation as your job is to support, to listen, and to encourage healthy change.
So how do you handle it - I ask you. During time with the Lord over many tears and prayers, I had a moment of clarity.
What is the end result?
At the end of this offense what was I hoping to gain or lose? What would I allow it to do in terms of shaping my character positively or negatively... and even more so was I desiring to reconcile at the end. Because it feels justified to stay offended, you don't have to work at anything or than embracing and sitting in your emotions. But it takes work and even losing relationships sometimes to reconcile and move forward desiring to not be held back by the hurt of others' words or actions.
DO I WANT TO RECONCILE?
At the end of the day am I willing to forgive and not hold onto something that will only damage my desire to be closer to Christ and to remember that we are all still flesh and blood? During this season I have begun to ask myself in every instance what is my ultimate desire. Whether it feels right or the timing isn't when I want it...am I desiring to reconcile so that I can draw closer to those things that I know God wants to grow in me. A joy that surpasses understanding and remembers that I am a reflection of brokenness that was saved by grace and who am I to not continue to share that grace in my daily life. No this doesn't negate wisdom in how I interact and handle harsh words or hurtful situations, but it does begin to free my heart and mind to take it all in stride.
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